The Zombie Hunter's Bible Read online

  Tar Zombie

  Describing any type of “sticky” zombie in relation to glue, blood, honey, semen, shark slime, spit, hair oils, child sweat, fecal matter, food sauce(s), and tar. Best exterminated from a distance due to their pungent stench. Touching the Tar Zombie is strongly ill advised due to its amazing adhesive abilities. When found stuck to a zombie, many hunters have eaten away their own hands and feet in hopes of escape. The success rate is amazing.

  Water Zombie

  Casualties of world wars, murders, surfing accidents, or overturned boats, these zombies wander the ocean depths, feeding on slow fish and ignorant crabs. The hunter is directed to not walk under the ocean. They must ride on boats, yachts or any kind of floating device aside from the inflatable sort. The Water Zombie is powerful, sometimes seen wrestling with sharks.

  Sand Zombie

  Found in deserts and beaches, this zombie type is slow moving due to its sand-filled interior. When the hunter attacks, she/he would be wise to protect their eyes and mouth and ears from flying, zombie-tainted sand. If it finds its way into the human body, total zombification will be complete in under two minutes. Suicide is advised.

  Zombie Priest

  Can be discovered walking around the inside of churches, fully clothed. Usually seen in groups of Child Zombies.

  Zombie Nun

  The most relaxed and mysterious of the zombies, this type is usually seen standing or sitting, motionless, and doing nothing else. Not to be confused with THE NUNDEAD, which are demon-possessed nuns that are quick and busy.

  Tree Zombie

  Hides in trees to jump out and surprise victims. Latches onto prey with mouth, fingers, and thighs. Very strong hold. To avoid an attack by this zombie, the hunter should inspect every tree encountered before passing. If time is of concern, one must think twice before entering a forest.

  If zombie is found and it is not paying attention, the hunter is advised to destroy it in the head via bow and arrow, gun, throwing knife, or flying sword.

  Weapon Zombie

  When encountering a zombie carrying a weapon, such as a gun, or a sword, or a trident, the hunter must be careful – not because of the possibility that the undead can remember how to wield the weapon – moreover, because the zombie’s finger twitches at a rate of once every 1.39874 seconds.

  If said finger is on the trigger of an automatic weapon that is pointed at the pavement or into a curved pipe, the hunter is at severe risk due to ricochet or bad luck.

  Cyborg Zombie

  Scientifically modified zombies with robotic enhancements, such as metal arms, shark teeth, internal rockets, super strength, motorcycle-riding knowledge, and golden legs. Hunter is advised to have a pocket mirror on their person at all times as a form of defense against zombies capable of shooting laser beams from their eyes.

  Insect Zombie

  More often than not, one will find a zombie infested with insects of one or every kind, such as worms, centipedes, spiders, ants, flies, bees, preying mantises, and love bugs. Distant butchery of said zombie is recommended. Please do not eat the insects.

  Handicapped Zombie

  These can be found mainly wandering the streets in wheelchairs or walkers or crutches. To take down this zombie, the running over with a wheel barrel is preferred, followed by the immediate action of bullet and/or blade into brain. The body can then be dumped into a ditch.

  Skeletal Zombie

  Victims of fire and/or cannibalism. The human skull is difficult to crack open, even by undead hands. With the brain secured, the skeletal corpse will rise. They will want to eat you, unaware that the flesh they consume will simply fall through their ribcage.

  Deceasedom of said zombie can be successful with the shoving of sharp objects into its eye sockets. Sometimes seen with eyeballs due to medical reasons.

  Cannibal Zombie

  A type of zombie that attacks and swallows the meat of its own kind. This odd type is rare, though still a threat to the hunter. It is not strange to see this zombie eating itself. They walk the earth – through rain, snow, hail – in search of the slow-moving zombie, presumably because they are easy to catch.

  The Cannibal Zombie finds it easy to eat the undead, for when attacked by their kind, the undead simply stand there, bewildered, and worried.

  Animal Zombie

  No different from human zombies, animals that are undead can be found side-by-side with men and women zombies on the streets or in various offices. These animals move at the rate of a sloth, even those once renowned for their speed, such as the tiger, the leopard, the puma, the lion, the dog, and the kangaroo. By utilizing brain devastation, the living dead animal will pass away.

  Still Zombie

  Extreme caution must be made when coming face-to-face with what many have called the “Possum Zombie”. They stand motionless, waiting for uninformed prey to come within reaching range, at which point they spring to life and molest.

  Fortunately, their energy is limited to one second. After this time, they return to standing still. It must recharge by going into what scientists call Hypersleep and is therefore vulnerable to harassment.

  Legends

  There are some zombies that have done more damage than others. In each of these cases, many deaths have been counted and many more homes burned to the ground. Countless children have been ruined. Sometimes the hunter – either due to sleep or alcoholism or simple ignorance – is taken surprise by certain extraordinary members of the living dead, and therefore fails, miserably, usually resulting in death by undead hands and lips. These amazing accounts have been and will forever be immortalized in literature, theatre, and bedtime stories.

  This is quite unfortunate.

  Here we shall examine those legendary zombies in question – the living dead that have succeeded in shaming the zombie hunter and baffling the world. You will be able to identify these yet-to-be-found zombies in the future, and have the knowledge to stop them from bad performances.

  2003, Eiffel Tower. Zombie is seen walking around in the high night, swaying against the cool winds. Police (2 out of the 3 zombie hunters) call it to stop, but it ignores them, swaying. The suspect is shot in the feet and is handcuffed. While walking to the police car, they are attacked by the zombie, who rips off their heads and strips them naked as tourists take pictures and scream in horror. The zombie – for reasons unclear – gets into the car and begins eating the backseat. The zombie suddenly turns violent, accidentally kicking the stick shift. The car rolls down a hill and is never heard from again. A local newspaper called the incident, “LE DREADFULNESS AT LE Eiffel TOWER!” The reporters of said paper also gave the creature a name. They call it, Car Lord.

  2000, Ireland. On a rainy day, Stephanie O’Brien, an employee, walks home on a lonely dirt road next to a potato field. There, she sees a little girl, eating something that has hair. The child appears to be injured, for red liquid streams from the back of her head in tiny bursts. Disturbed, Stephanie walks behind the little girl and touches her neck. This is a mistake. The girl spins around and bites her wrist. Stephanie, a practicing zombie hunter, shrieks out and falls into a coma. Farmers found Stephanie’s body the next morning. She had been left in mint condition, except for her legs, which had been stripped to the bone. From that day forth, farmers all over Ireland swear they see the undead corpse of a little girl, standing on their rooftops, where she slowly paces back and forth with her arms raised high over her head. These same farmers claim to have not been drinking when witnessing this little girl. However, when asked the zombie’s name, the farmers always look to each other and say, in fear, The Goat’s Beard. The farmers promise that she rides goats.

  1955, Maui. A rainforest fire devastates the gentile village of Rhodes. Many are burned. To avoid the possibility of a torturous death by fire, many gather in a circle and sing and climb up a large tree and then jump off the large tree. They land on their heads, purposefully, in hopes of brain damage so that they will forget their troubles and not be aw
are that they are burning alive. Many who jump from the tree are instantly deceased. The few that survive the fall cheer as the tree is burned by the freak fire and falls onto them. The village zombie hunter, Wendy From Waianae, poor since age 0, runs to the burned bodies and steals their golden necklaces and golden tooth-fillings and golden belts and golden hairs. Unbeknownst to Wendy, the burned-black zombies resurrect behind her and eat her back. She dies instantaneously. The group of zombies continue to travel the island, terrorizing cows and ponies by jumping out from trees and riding them into fences. Their legend grew, and they became know as, The Bastards.

  1989, Honolulu, Hawaii; KPT (apartment complex). An obese, female drunkard dangles off her balcony on the 16th floor and laughs. The scared husband pleads with her and pours milk onto her head in the belief that it will make her sober. The woman cries out, “It damages! It damages!” and slaps at her face, in effect letting go of the balcony. She falls, weeping. Death is slow, as she falls into a cactus garden. The husband, Guido, a zombie hunter from Uruguay, understands that he must destroy her brain for fear of resurrection. As he leans over her still body, ready to strike with a golden spike, the wife WAKES UP and rips out his innards. He begs for mercy and pulls out his hair. The wife empties out his torso with her mouth and crawls into his hollow stomach and walks away as if to use him as a hat. Throughout the years, she has been seen lumbering around streams, picking at her decaying hat, and eating it. Local police have given her a name, and that name is, Guido Bomb.

  Training

  Skills

  Before any hunter can even think about doing battle against the living dead, various talents must first be learned. The following skills have been tested over the years by hunters from across the globe, from the Federated States of Micronesia to Spitzbergen, and have proven to be quite beneficial.

  You will find them short and easy to learn.

  MARTIAL ARTS

  The most effective style can be found in that called Christian Kung Fu, taught by priests all over America.

  KNIFE THROWING

  A must for all zombie hunters. Essential for hurting zombies from a distance and pinning them against trees. With enough practice, it is possible for the hunter to kill zombie brain. Practice every day, in every way.

  COOKING

  It is inevitable that the hunter will find herself without food. If in the woods, she will find the “cooking skill” most valuable indeed, able to not only fashion a meal out from an assortment of insects and shrubbery, but also make them delicious. However, if the hunter finds herself starving in the city, they will be unlucky in finding store-bought meat, and must therefore search in garbage receptacles for rats and spiders and the occasional albino cockroach – the hunter will be lucky to find roaches that are connected by their buttocks. If we have learned anything at all from the homeless, it is that living on trash is possible. The hunter must not worry, for a skilled cook can make virtually anything edible. Even racist garbage.

  SINGING

  Work stress will result in mental instability. Singing has been proven to “soothe the mind” and “calm the soul”. More often than not, the hunter will find their sidekick harassed and afraid. To ensure that he/she will not run away or fashion a mutiny, it is advised that the hunter learn the art of singing and cuddling to ease the mind of the sidekick. (If singing does not seem to stop their bickering, put your tongue in their ear. They will be soothed instantly. If the ear is clean, your sidekick is healthy.)

  BICYCLE RIDING

  The automobile cannot be relied upon in the long run due to its insatiable lust for gasoline, and noise pollution. The bicycle requires no such liquid – only needing the strength of thighs, knees, and ankles – and is so silent. Another benefit of bicycle riding is “leg improvement”. Intensification of the lower extremities will give the hunter special powers, such as running, jumping, kicking, and speed walking (vital if the need should ever arise to walk away quickly, yet quietly).

  CARVING

  The fine art of cutting various objects out from wood can be used to create tiny blowing darts, spoons to eat with, mannequins, whistles, caveman clubs, balls, frying pans, and even diverse articles of clothing, such as clogs and undergarments.

  READING & WRITNG

  Necessary in documenting events, identifying road signs, and gaining respect from sidekick.

  PANTOMIMING

  Also known as Miming. Indispensable when blending in and/or living with the walking dead. Skill must be practiced in front of sidekick to receive fair criticism. Miming curriculum includes “I’m Trapped in a Box,” “I’m Pulling on a Rope,” “The rope is pulling me,” “I’m Drunk,” “I’m sober,” “I’m running in Place,” “I’m Sleepy,” “You make me Angry,” “You make me Cry,” “Look over There,” and “I want a divorce.”

  DRIVING

  Though not required, vital in any attempt to run over a group of zombies. (see bicycle RIDING)

  Dieting

  A healthy zombie hunter lives to fight another day. Next to exercise, dieting is equally important.

  Fasting – the act of starving yourself once a week – is highly advised. The hunter will lose weight and gain a sense of self-confidence. Fasting will result in sudden bursts of speed, a heightened sense of awareness, and the ability to fit into tight places (perfect when hiding from the living dead). To properly Fast, nothing must be consumed in a 24-hour period.

  If this method of dieting is too extreme or stupid for you, the Water Diet might be more appealing, where the hunter drinks water every 60 minutes. When consuming meat or grains, only eating half of all meals is allowed. The rest must be fed to sidekick, or thrown up.

  Pole of The High Sundays, a favorite dieting regimen amongst hunters of old, requires the participant to stand on a pole while in the nude with his hands over his head. His legs MUST be crossed. The sidekick is ordered by them to remove all clothing and begin punching the pole to encourage vibrations. This is to test the hunter’s balancing talents and, inadvertently, improve the sidekick’s punching abilities.

  The sidekick is only allowed to rest after a period of 10 hours. Until that time, the sidekick must not stop punching the pole, even if the hunter begins to plead for mercy, and moans. The results are wondrous.

  The opposite of Fasting is Slowering. It is not advised.

  (Please talk to your doctor before attempting to Fast.)

  Weapons

  Although it is true that the human body is the world’s most dangerous weapon – especially if strenuously trained in the martial arts to the level of “The Master” – flesh will always fall second place to steel or metal when compared to strength and endurance.

  Many weapons can be used to combat the living dead. Below you will find a list of acceptable weaponry, ordered from weakest to strongest.

  Wonder Stick

  Excellent for its abundance and ease of use. Can be used to hold zombie at bay if put in mouth, or penetrate through the eye to injure brain matter. The user is advised to keep a great quantity on her/his person due to the Wonder Stick’s bad habit of breaking under pressure. TIP: When placing stick in eyehole, stir for maximum effect!

  Attack Fork

  With enough tenacity, the user is able to hack around the neck of the zombie using an Attack Fork, encouraging disconnection of the head. The task can be completed with a mighty thump to the face.

  Monster Spoons

  Used to take out eyes and scoop out brain substance. Not simple or effective in the hands of an amateur. With years of practice, Monster Spoons can be a deadly tool and should not be available to children.

  Molestation Hammer

  Best used when striking an undead head frequently. When victim collapses to the ground, the hunter will stand on its spine and continue hitting the back of said zombie’s head with the Molestation Hammer until brain is witnessed. You are advised to cover your face with your freehand to shield from splatter. If both hands are occupied, instruct sidekick to put their hands o
ver your mouth and nose.

  Wanton Scissors

  More effective than the Attack Fork, scissors can also be used to destroy a zombie’s neck to cheer head separation. When operating this weapon, please grip it as one would a knife. The finger holes on a pair of scissors are sore and disturbing.

  Gluttonous Hedge Clippers

  Using both hands, drive the weapon into the neck of the zombie, immediately followed by opening the clippers. With enough practice, the head will be disconnected. Caution must be taken for risk of the undead’s eyes popping out and flying into the hunter’s mouth. If this occurs, please do not swallow. Instead, instruct sidekick to put their hand into your mouth.

  Magical Cardboard

  Most excellent if found sturdy. If aimed directly at the soft, frontal portion of the neck, can be used in a slicing manner to sever a zombie’s head in one fluid motion. Care must be taken if done in a windy environment. If rain enters, weapon must be folded into tiny squares and put into back pocket.

  Power Glove

  While it is not advised to punch a zombie, it IS recommended to punch a zombie with a Power Glove. To make the weapon, slip on a pair of gloves – cloth or plastic – and dip into glue, followed by quick application of broken glass and/or fetal cactuses. (see Kickboxer, 1989, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme)

  Whole Bottle

  When pushed into the mouth of a zombie, they will twirl in a confused manner, allowing the hunter to make a dangerous attack. Can be used with cardboard weapon.

  Broken Whole Bottle

  See ATTACK FORK

  Wonder Knives

  Wonderful weapon, especially if used by a hunter employed as a professional stuntman, gangster, or carnival employee.

  Attack Wheelbarrow

  Developed by Sir. Anthony Argento of France, the attack wheelbarrow – or “Dead Leaves”, as it was called – is an everyday wheelbarrow fashioned with weaponry to plow through a group of the living dead. Popular attachments to Dead Leaves are swords, torches, swords on fire, bear traps, and snakes.

  Sledgehammer Power

  With a powerful blow, can easily kill zombie brain matter. Must be used by a muscular hunter or sidekick for optimal performance. Extreme exhaustion will follow, including headaches, chest pains, and a numbing in the left shoulder.