The Zombie Hunter's Bible Read online

  Cecil Toots

  Age: 18

  Nationality: White

  In 1435, the world met the first “child” zombie hunter. All that is known of her comes from a torn manuscript found in Persia by a blind woman. It begins by describing a young, ugly girl who is in the process of being raped by a burly woodsman, apparently calling himself Sweet Tongue.

  The tale is as follows:

  “…And yes once Sweet fell himself onto her, then it was then that this man called Sweet Tongue felt cold fingers around his tickled spine. Sweet, yes, he yelled out “Oh no, my Lord do not forsake me! For the skinny fingers at my back belong to those of lame corpses back from the great home of Death!”… And yes Sweet he did try to run but it was foolish for then the dead bodies oh these bodies that have risen from the grave they slapped their hands around his thighs and ate at him…Cecil Toots killed the dead things.”

  —Unknown manuscript

  page number destroyed

  Dr. Van Helsing

  Age: 80

  Nationality: Unknown

  The most popular and beloved of all hunters, Dr. Van Helsing, is known for slaying the king of “blood suckers” known as The Dracula, who resided in Transylvania. This vampire spawned many children with many women – offspring that also bore the title of “The Dracula”.

  In the Philippines he is called The Dingus; in Germany, Dongalinger; and in Japanese Land he goes by the distinction of Japanese Dracula, portrayed respectfully in the anime Vampire Hunter D, directed by Yoshiaki Kawajiri, who also worked on The Animatrix and Highlander: Vengeance.

  It is unheard of whether Dr. Van Helsing did battle against these bonus Draculas. Little is actually known about him after his foray with the Transylvanian vampire. Speculation grew that he was actually bitten and therefore turned into a vampire himself! Later committing suicide by swimming until the sun rose. Some think he began a successful bicycle shop in China, and learned Cantonese, a language he spoke fluently.

  And yet, there are those that believe, to this very day, that he married a princess.

  Dr. Van Helsing’s most famous exploits were recently displayed in the 2004 film creatively titled Van Helsing. He was brilliantly portrayed in an Oscar worthy performance by a veteran of theatre and Broadway, actor’s actor Hugh Jackman.

  Mistakes

  Not all zombie hunters are intelligent or strong-willed enough to handle the stresses of this hazardous occupation. As a matter of fact, more hunters have been shamed than those that have been praised.

  1966, New York

  Magazine editor, and professional zombie hunter of 23 years, Rachel Lee, was caught by the authorities after seen running down an undisclosed street in the nude and waving about a huge, “frightening” samurai sword. She would later tell – after hours of interrogation – the story of how she encountered two elderly zombies and suffered the traumatic consequences.

  Three hours earlier, coming home from work, Mrs. Lee walked into her apartment and heard a shriek from the dwelling down the hall. She opened her zombie attack box (all this told to the police, mind you) and took out her samurai sword. She ran out and kicked down her neighbor’s front door to find an old woman staring up and pointing at an old man, swinging from the ceiling fan by a rope tied around his neck.

  Upon soothing the disheveled old woman, the dead body of the old man grunted and ate through the rope and fell to the floor and tumbled to the old woman’s feet.

  This old man crawled and proceeded to grab at the old woman, who cheered in joy at her husband’s sudden resurrection. Her joy was short-lived, for her husband began eating her, to death.

  It was at this point that Rachel attacked the old man, ultimately severing head from torso. Apparently, happy with her results, Rachel turned to leave when the head rolled – on its own power! – to her heel and fed on it.

  Rachel was filled with much rage and kicked the head through a poorly made wall. The old woman came back to life and ripped Rachel’s clothes off and then her own clothes while drooling in a mad way. Rachel cried and hacked the old woman into such tiny pieces that the authorities later exclaimed: “She is but a puzzle. Oh sweat, Jesus. Now what?”

  After 30 years of careful, psychiatric evaluation and physical therapy, Rachel was deemed fit for high security prison and was sentenced for first-degree murder.

  Rachel was a diabetic.

  Honolulu, HI, 1979

  A downtown businessman got off the bus at Ala Moana Shopping Center one morning and saw, to his utter amazement, a woman with no lower half crawling along the beach with a rose in her mouth. His exact words were, as recorded in the Honolulu Weekly: “She had no legs…Something inside of me wanted to scream out weird sounds. I wanted to help her. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to kiss that hand. Then her mouth…My wife left me recently. She wants a divorce. I hope she didn’t marry me just for my money…Oh no…I’m so lonely. I cry sometimes when I bathe.”

  The woman made eye contact with this man and snarled and made her way – quickly – toward him. The man was frozen with fear and was just about to scream out in terror, when a nude person painted in black, from head to toe, jumped on the woman’s back and wrestled her into the ocean. This unknown hunter ran a stake-like utensil through the zombie’s brain, killing it instantaneously. The stranger walked up to the businessman and, upon seeing his scared, trembling hands, offered marijuana cigarettes as a way to help calm him.

  The businessman stopped shaking immediately, revealed himself as an undercover officer, and arrested the hunter. One week later, the person was found dead in his prison cell, committing suicide via pillow, which was found in his throat.

  A small funeral was made.

  There was an attendee.

  (This hunter was a mute. Nothing more is yet known publicly of this person. Sadly, not even gender.)

  Greenville, Florida, 1989

  While traversing through the woods, Sarah Zonner, age 30, unpacked her purse and began to consume alcoholic beverages. Upon immediate regurgitation, Sarah witnessed a group of lumbering bodies in the distance, appearing from behind a pile of fallen, burning trees.

  A deer ran past. The people made, in her own words, “curious, sexy moaning sounds”. As they followed the deer – their arms were held out in front of them. Some people fell. Further inspection revealed that they all showcased various lacerations on the face and limbs and genitalia. Sarah moaned slowly, in horror, then tripped and fell. She shrieked, as softly as possible, but it was to no desirable effect. The living dead ignored the deer in favor of making contact with Sarah Zonner.

  One zombie looked over its shoulder to get a better look at her. Sarah believes that its head clicked then fell off, hitting the mud, hard, “like a stink bowling ball”.

  Days later, the local forest police found her inside a hollow tree, shriveled and disheveled. She would later describe her story to them with a shaky voice and a trembling, ever extending finger.

  The contents of her purse revealed these items:

  a) 1 empty bottle of Bacardi 151

  b) 1 unused female undergarment

  c) 2 used bras

  d) 5 apples

  e) 2 copies of “The Zombie Hunter’s Bible” –stained with mud

  Upon further questioning in regards to the last items, Sarah Zonner became agitated and began spitting uncontrollably. She then spat controllably – purposefully aiming at the authorities, cursing at them in sudden German. The officers retaliated.

  The troubled woman was washed down with a strong fire hose – a struggle that would go on for three hours. Suddenly, blacked out by exhaustion, she was handcuffed at the wrists and ankles. The damages to the police station were insurmountable. A car was found inside, with a bear. Four officers were fired, three officers were disfigured with bizarre bruises, and one Chief resigned.

  Sarah Zonner currently awaits trail for various problems.

  She could never speak German before.

  Hilo, Hawaii 1943


  On a steep mountaintop, Staci Avati, age 16, white, Taurus, was riding her dirt bike down a dirty road when she saw something hideous – something that made her stop and hide in a ditch. An armless, nameless female woman stood in the middle of the road. Her back was to Staci. The stranger didn’t move, even when Staci threw a small watermelon at her.

  An amateurish zombie hunter, Staci immediately knew what it was and what to do. She had been training for this day – independently – since age 10. Staci pulled her dad’s shotgun from her backpack and crept behind the zombie. She pressed the weapon against the back of its skull…and pulled the trigger. The woman flew 500 feet into the distance.

  Staci was arrested by local, Hawaiian mountain police for murdering a mute, retarded woman who was armless.

  They had been watching the whole time from within the bushes.

  The Future…

  So long as the undead continue to rise, there will always be a zombie hunter nearby, ready to protect the fragile. Hunters are evolving with the times, many already utilizing modern-day electronics and weaponry, such as the cellular phone and the Ipod mini.

  With such advances in science and technology, the growing number of sidekicks turning into hunters, and human intelligence continually increasing throughout the centuries, the fight against the living dead will be a much more pleasant one.

  The Unsafe Zombie

  Ethics

  Zombies are like babies. They’re very hard to understand. To comprehend the living dead – or Revenants, as they were called during the Renaissance – one must study them on the field and interact with them in a professional manner. Much has been learned throughout the decades. Contrary to popular belief, the zombie does have an ethical code.

  No eating of fellow zombie.

  No sexual advances toward fellow zombie.

  No bigots.

  No arguing with fellow zombie, either verbally or in a mime-like fashion.

  No crying.

  It would benefit the zombie hunter a great deal to memorize the undead’s ethical standards. In doing so, one will find it much easier to identify a member of the living dead. Be warned, for no two zombies are entirely the same. In fact, many stray from the system – ignoring one, two, sometimes even three principles governing the zombie code.

  Some ignore it entirely.

  To this day, it is unknown whether doing so results in any kind of corporal punishment by their administrators.

  Assuming that such authority governs them.

  A History Of Eating

  The Living Dead have been with us since the dawn of man. Throughout history, cultures have recorded their actions in every media. They have been perceived – erroneously – as vampires, ghouls, ghosts, banshees, aliens, and yes, even Frankensteins. We say “erroneously” because the zombie belongs to a rather distinct branch of the Living Dead, one called The Shallow Branch (mentally and physically).

  Unlike vampires, a zombie cares not for romanticism or the simple consumption of blood, and unlike ghosts, the zombie is not shy. On the contrary, they are the most confident of the lot, sometimes seen going into battle against 5, 10, 30, 2 hunters with no evidence of trepidation.

  In a timeless, horrific tale recorded by Swedish priest and practicing farmer Hatori Honzi, a zombie was once seen worrying an imported ox. The animal, irritated by the zombie, ran into it and lifted the woman into the air with its horns. The zombie landed on the ox’s back and rode the berserk animal into the sunset.

  The ox was never heard from again.

  A zombie does not worry. They are most dangerous because of this. The hunter can find herself most fortunate to acquire such fortitude, although it is most difficult, for humans have feelings. It is this that separates us from the undead, apart from Life itself. If not for Sadness and Anger and Fear and Idiotness, the job of the hunter would be a joy and effortless.

  Numerous encounters with the undead have shown that the only visible emotions a zombie expresses is Irritation and Confusion. No other emotions have been witnessed or proven by unanimous vote. A recorded event describing the zombie’s lack of emotions can be found in the epic Greek poem This is So Amazing, also expressing a zombie’s disturbing killer instinct, written by the poet Glacius:

  (1) All that I say is true

  Look what I can do

  I bathe therefore I am new

  The market was full of people

  A large fruit killed a man on the chest

  He came back from the dead

  (2) I patted him on the head

  This man gave out a moan

  The shoppers ran and went home

  This living dead man bit a woman’s face

  I was scared; dear Zeus, I ran in place

  His beautiful blue eyes meet mine

  My masculinity was fine

  (3) He was my best friend Zeus Shrug

  I gave him a mountainous hug

  He tried to eat me, this made me mad

  My friend does not cherish me

  This makes me unglad

  The End.

  This is So Amazing

  -page 3008

  It is unclear how this magnificent poem has slipped through the pages of classic literature. For the zombie hunter, much can be profited by researching history’s various encounters with the zombie. As a matter of fact, much can – and has been – learned from the above poem alone. Careful scrutiny of the poem reveals the most basic of lessons, many of them taboo.

  For example, hugging a zombie.

  Zombie Types

  Remember: No two zombies are the same. In this section, we shall not only discuss the many different zombie personalities, but also analyze and ascertain various scenarios.

  Walking Zombie

  The standard zombie. Slow moving, this undead type can be easily bypassed via simple “walk-around”. One must still walk in caution and never pass too closely, for they have a nasty habit of suddenly attaining ADHD and becoming hyper active and noisy at unsuspecting moments. The hunter’s sense of overconfidence is ill-advised!

  Running Zombie

  Nonexistent. If a member of the undead is seen running, it was most likely pushed or tripped.

  Zombie of Disease

  The fact remains: A human cannot return from the dead due to disease. They are not zombies. They are of poor health. Ignorance or utter disregard of this truth is dangerous, in that a hunter may confuse an ill human for a member of the living dead and harass.

  If the hunter encounters a sickly human, she/he must not attack. They must adhere to proper Human Identification procedures. If indeed acknowledged as a human, the hunter is instructed to take the ill by the hand and instruct or guide them to the nearest medical facility. Though not necessary, the hunter may also provide her/his phone number to the sick for additional help or romantic engagements.

  Talking Zombie

  The zombie does not speak. It does, however, groan. A hunter encountering a zombie “speaking” is in the presence of a corpse possessed by a spirit, most likely a demon; therefore, one must not take what they say to heart, for demons are pathological liars.

  Blind Zombie

  Like humans, a zombie cannot see without the power of the eyeball. They can be observed on city streets and country fields, walking around aimlessly, sometimes even turning around and around in place with their arms out. It is not unusual to see a large group of Blind Zombies, spinning in place, slowly.

  They can be found during the winter season, revolving under the snow. They must be destroyed. (Sometimes seen in Europe, wearing dirty cloaks and riding horses.)

  Pregnant Zombie

  A very dangerous and deceiving type of living dead. Not only does one have to worry about the host, there is also the threat of the zombie fetus. Too many times have hunters, believing to have annihilated the mother, fallen to the fatal bite(s) of the undead child.

  The female hunter must especially be defensive, for when the Pregnant Zombie falls onto the hunter, the fetu
s will accidentally fall out and make its way into the hunter’s vagina.

  Fat Zombie

  Not to be confused with the Pregnant Zombie, this relatively fresh member of the undead contains food. Because of this, it has received the name “Zombie Camel” or “Camel of Zombies”. A wise hunter would do well to put its contents in clean Ziploc bags and into storage for future meals. BOILING OF MEAT IS strongly ADVISED.

  Skinny Zombie

  A result of years of decay or malnutrition, this zombie is the weakest. Capable of entering tight places due to their thin carcass, they can be found hiding in various “hard to get to” places, such as sewage pipes and refrigerators.

  Baby Zombie (ages 0-1)

  An extension of the Pregnant Zombie. They dwell within the host’s belly and feed off the interior lining. When strength permits, they escape by their own power via the birth canal, buttocks, throat, or, if all are obstructed, by tearing through the mother’s belly. It is then left alone to fend for itself in the wilderness, feeding on ants and bird droppings.

  Child Zombie (ages 1-30)

  Do not pet this zombie type. Although their exterior presents itself as cute and cuddly, the interior is indeed evil and stink. If necessary, due to “feelings”, the hunter may cover the Child Zombie with a shirt before striking it over the head, mercilessly, with a shovel.

  Elderly Zombie

  Found in streams and ditches in a sitting position. They stare into the sky, at the birds, longingly, until human prey comes into view. The hunter is able to squat-walk toward the zombie, under its sights, and destroy it. One can even light the foot on fire with a match, so long as the zombie’s attention is occupied by birds: Using this tactic, the undead body will simply burn away as a wax candle with no objection. According to some hunters, Elderly Zombies, while melting, will look at you, crying, and then wave ‘Bye’. These hunters are dead. It is strongly advised that you do not wave back.

  Half Zombie

  The human body is and will always be so very fragile, whether one is lacking in meat or is a muscular woman. It is common to find a zombie with no lower half due to accidents or fighting. They can crawl for days in search of prey.

  The zombie can be found by simply following its blood trail, as well as discarded dung and carcasses of bird, rodent, and insect. The hunter must keep their eyes low to the ground, mindful of any sudden movements in grass, rock piles or laundry.