The Zombie Hunter's Bible Read online

The Zombie Hunter's Bible

  Raymund Hensley

  Copyright 2011 by Raymund Hensley

  https://raymundhensley.blogspot.com/

  All rights reserved

  Cover design by the author

  REVIEWS

  “The attention to detail is mind-boggling!”

  -Staci Wilson, About.com

  “Enjoy this book {while you can}…because you won't be laughing when the zombies come! A must-have for people with zombie-shelters in their basements, because Armageddon is boring and entertainment is hard to come by in a basement.”

  -Ron Cunningham “The Horrorist,” Editor

  www.horrorwatch.com

  “Raym C. Hensley – with his Zombie Hunter's Guide – has found a new use for the alphabet. An ethical and practical manual for survival in the great Zombie apocalypse. Don’t go to the Mall without it!”

  -Tom Sullivan, The Evil Dead,

  www.darkageproductions.com

  “A wry and erudite tome that belongs on the shelf of every dedicated Zombie Hunter!”

  -John McLean

  Writer/Director of Z: A ZOMBIE MUSICAL

  WARNING

  This book is a work of fiction. The information contained within these pages is for entertainment purposes only.

  ALSO BY RAYMUND HENSLEY

  Aloha Mannequins

  A Revelation

  How I met Barbara The Zombie Hunter

  Filipino Vampire

  CONTENTS

  Preface – Understanding the Zombie

  CHAPTER ONE

  Preparation

  The Professional Hunter of THE UNDEAD

  Ethics – the hunter’s code

  A history of hunting

  Types

  The Legends

  Mistakes

  The future

  The Unsafe Zombie

  Ethics – the zombie code

  A history of eating

  Zombie types

  Legends

  Training

  Skills

  Dieting

  Weapons

  Exercising

  Creating your Practice Zombie

  Tool Kit

  Things you need

  Things you don’t need

  Dress code

  Choosing the Sidekick

  Skills

  Attitude

  Health

  Vomiting

  The Sidekick’s Code

  Pay rate

  Insurance

  Sample application

  Orientation sheet

  CHAPTER TWO

  The Journey & The Hunt

  On the Road

  Vehicle

  Rest stops, Allowed

  Sleep

  Foods

  The authorities: “Lies & Diversions”

  Searching the Zombie

  Undead clues

  Trapping the Zombie

  Creating Zombie traps

  Containing the zombie

  Obtaining the zombie “sample”

  Disposal

  Fight

  Proper Zombie Calling

  Proper Human Identification

  The FEAR of killing

  Fighting against a zombie and/or his parts

  Forms of Zombie Attack, or: HOW THEY TRICK YOU

  Attack Strategies:

  —Against single zombie

  —Against zombie groups

  Zombie decomposition, Results from

  Proper ‘Weaponry Transplant’ procedures

  Hunting in Zombie Infested Territories

  Forests

  Deserts

  Cemeteries

  Houses

  Mansions

  Churches

  Supermarkets

  Bathrooms

  Boats

  Mountains

  Shopping malls

  Cabins

  Food

  What is starvation?

  How to properly cook a zombie*

  Illness

  Unleashing your bodily waste

  Proper fecal matter disposal

  Proper urine & fecal matter locations

  The perils of bodily waste consumption

  Sexual intercourse

  Choosing the right zombie

  Protection

  Cleaning up

  How Zombies View our Dimension

  Disguising Yourself As A Zombie

  Rewards & Tribulations

  Moaning, Walking, and Eating

  A Zombie’s Fashion Sense

  How to Develop your Sense of Hearing

  Living Dead Animals

  Persona

  IF YOU ARE BITTEN

  A Philosophical theory

  Going Home

  Transporting your zombie

  Surprising stops

  Police avoidance

  Properly walking your zombie toward your home

  Handling the Neighbors with Love

  —The Female Orgasm

  Creating your very own Zombie Storage Facility

  Tools & necessities

  CHAPTER THREE

  Benefits

  The Zombie Employee

  Maids

  Personal Bather

  Security guards

  On Selling

  Where to sell your zombie

  What is a good set-price?

  The Smart Seller or How not to get scammed

  APPENDIX

  Zombie Transformation Agencies

  Zombie Recipes

  Retirement

  ABOUT AUTHOR

  BOOK PREVIEW

  How I Met Barbara The Zombie Hunter

  Preface

  THIS MANUAL is written for the novice interested in becoming a Professional Hunter of The Living Dead. They will learn tips, tricks, and tactics which have served countless experts throughout the centuries. Veteran huntsmen will also benefit from this book, sure to find a plethora of useful information they may have forgotten or never knew existed.

  The contents of this book were obtained through conversations and outings with an actual zombie hunter only to be known as “Barbara”. Zombies discussed in this book are of the undead nature. The zombie is: A reanimated cadaver. Following the death of the body, the corpse is brought back from the dead by supernatural means. The body’s sole intention then becomes the consumption and eradication of the living.

  Viral-infected bodies will be analyzed and respected, but will not be emphasized. These bodies have not died, therefore are NOT zombies. These people are merely sick, and in need of immediate medical attention. The living dead mentioned in this book will carry all of the following traits:

  1. A risen corpse – regardless of years deceased as long as skull is intact (it is possible to experience a “Skeletal Zombie”)

  2. Has an intense hunger for flesh (human or animal, male or female)

  3. Has no memory of former self and of loved ones

  4. No memory of proper etiquette habits

  5. The inability to run

  6. No sense of self worth; possibly depressed

  7. Suddenly possessing short bursts of speed and/or surprising strength

  8. Feels no love toward babies or any age group (the zombie’s primary emotion is malice – especially toward the elderly)

  9. Demise only by complete brain annihilation

  10. The zombie is not a racist

  The Zombie Hunter’s Bible will instruct you on slaying, finding, capturing, feeding, grooming, and hurting the zombie. The goal of any zombie hunter is a clear one: To find and capture and/or hurt the Undead without becoming one of them. To become successful in any trade, one must adhere to all procedures and become a wealth of knowledge on said profession. Only then
can she or he rectify any sort of unexpected problem.

  The above applies gravely to all hunters of the living dead. A knowing hunter stays a living hunter. It is this book’s wish that you eventually learn on your own – learn new tips, new tricks, and new tactics – and teach those behind you. Knowledge kept within is wasted Education. The teachings in this guide are relatively simple to learn, yet wonderfully effective. Many have argued them to be the most important lessons in the world. Hunters who have followed these rules have moved on to become successful artists, writers, actors, and lovers.

  Remember to constantly baffle the zombie.

  Remember to harass their brain matter.

  And above all else, believe in them.

  Because they believe in you.

  —RCH

  CHAPTER ONE

  Preparation

  The Professional Hunter of THE UNDEAD

  Ethics

  Without morals, the zombie hunter is no greater than a member of the undead. The hunter must be a saint in spirit: Courteous, grateful, loving. Those with unclean hearts must not hunt the living dead. They do so with ulterior motives, tainted with wickedness, resulting in (as history has shown) human casualties, a ruined hunt, and an emotionally scarred sidekick. Being on a hunt for a prolonged period of time will result in hostile behavior between Hunter & Sidekick due to the eventual lack of sustenance, confines in foreign surroundings, and work stress.

  Respect your sidekick. DO NOT let them be murdered by a zombie. You are responsible for their education and their safety. If you find him/her in dire struggle with a member of the living dead, save them regardless of emotional ties. You are both on the field to do a job. When it is completed, only then are you both allowed to go your separate ways and express the intense feelings you feel toward each other.

  Most important of all – an ethical teaching rather difficult for many to learn: See yourself as an equal to the zombie.

  You and the zombie are brothers of war. When you fight, do so with courage and honor. The ego must be left behind before going into combat with a zombie. Being too proud – underestimating your opponent or not consulting your sidekick – can lead to misjudgment…and death. When destroying the undead, one frees them. For every zombie killed via head-annihilation, an angel gets his wings.

  In the end, forgive the zombie, for they know not what they do.

  They are babies.

  Evil babies.

  A History of Hunting

  Information relating to the first zombie hunters dates back to caveman days. Filipino archaeologists in 1979 discovered two cave paintings, depicting surprised men and women mingling (or brawling) with strange humanoid creatures, later determined by the archaeologists, unanimously, to be zombies. One painting shows a caveman, holding back a prehistoric zombie with a sharp stick. In another, a cavewoman throws a big rock over the living dead, breaking its head. The cavewoman stares at the brain. She does not know what to do.

  It was the Filipinos who made a startling revelation, writing an immediate article to the scientific journal The Filipina Scientist:

  “You will find, in these crude cave paintings, utmost proof that not only did zombies exist in caveman times, but our own ancestors knowingly ate brain, and unknowingly ate putrid, zombie brain matter, tainting the bloodlines of all races for ever and ever. Amen.”

  —Dario Fumoria, Lead Archeologist

  The article was immediately sent back to the archeologists in a stained envelope with the word “NO” written on it in large letters. The article – although surprisingly short at forty-four words – failed to mention that the zombie’s “brain matter” only takes effect, if indeed eaten, after the consumer’s death. Not having their article published did nothing but put them in a mild depression and later force them to continue their research – which included analyzing the cave paintings and doing routine “stain tests” on the walls of various caves.

  Mr. Fumoria named the brave man and woman in the paintings Cake and Rainbow, after his own children. He vowed to keep searching for more paintings involving Cake and Rainbow, traveling the world in the name of archeology – from France to Germany, to Afghanistan to North Dakota. Eventually, he found himself in India, where he died painfully from a mysterious Foot & Mouth disease. In September 19th of 2oo2, eyewitnesses reported that government officials raided his home in North Dakota and hauled large paintings, covered by blankets, into a black van. These officials burned his house down while drinking wine.

  The paintings discovered by Mr. Fumoria were never seen again. In a recent interview on The View, his associates now claim that he drugged them and did “sexy things” to them and put them under hypnosis, making them believe they were cave paintings of zombies. Cake and Rainbow were never seen in any other paintings or comic books.

  Hunters appeared during the following decades in texts and illustrations from all over the globe. We give thanks and praise to these brave women and men who have put their lives on the line to save humanity from the living dead.

  Many of them have been wrongfully accused of being in cahoots with the undead, blamed on many occasions for “conjuring” zombies for the sole purpose of charging villages ridiculous fees to vanquish them. Zombie hunters were (and still are) feared for their peculiar occupation. Throughout history, we have learned that people dread what they don’t understand.

  They question a hunter’s motivations, methods, and mental status. It wasn’t (and still isn’t) surprising to find hunters burned or hung for insanity by the church. More often than not, this was done out of haste, resulting in the loss of many innocent lives and animal suicides.

  Today we find them in mental institutions and high security prisons, where they are ridiculed and humiliated and raped to no end. It is advised that hunters perform their noble deeds in secrecy for fear of prosecution.

  Types

  Zombie hunters come in all shapes and sizes and colors. They all have different styles and strategies – all of which, if studied with a critical eye, can prove quite beneficial on or off the field. The following is a critique of the four most popular Hunter personalities.

  They are not recommended.

  The Shy Hunter

  Hunters of a quiet nature are the most patient. His determination is much admired by all. He will wait in the bushes, holding his weapon close to heart…waiting, surveying the terrain for any sort of movement.

  Unfortunately, this hunter is timid.

  If terror happens to creep up behind him, the shy hunter has been observed to leap up in fright and shriek in a female tone and run away with amazing speed. If ever abandoned in such a manner, the sidekick is not allowed to leave the area. She or he must convince him or herself that this is a learning experience and complete the hunt thoroughly.

  The Mad Hunter

  Many who attempt to hunt the dead have taken an angry persona. The belief is that if one is overwhelmed with hate towards the undead, one will be inspired to “stand his ground” and finish the hunt. It is a forceful way of thinking. Many a hunter have found this style useful, more often than not reporting sudden feats of strength while under pressure during an attack. In one case, a hunter was seen lifting up the front of a car to free his sidekick, who was pinned underneath, and crying.

  However, these individuals are prone to suicidal tendencies. A 1969 Hawaiian survey concluded that 9 out of 10 Angry Hunters admitted to cutting their forearms with facial and leg razors for attention. It is a cry for help. They sit, yoga-style and light candles while listening to miserable music. The marks they dig into their skin are always shallow in depth and disturbing in shape. Many make happy faces and carve words such as Hello and Cube.

  However, the smart ones disfigure their thighs so no one can see. Beware the wise cutter. This branch of saddened, Angry Hunter wallows in self-pity and cares not for attention.

  They must be feared because they cut their arms daily while in a weeping phase. They can also be identified by their continuou
s repetition of “Come in with the elk, come in with the elk, come in with the elk.” In such instances, the sidekick must stay away and report them to the local authorities at all costs due to mental reasons.

  The Fast Hunter

  Works at an incredible speed due to impatience, usually resulting in sloppiness and death. The job is done, but at what cost? The sidekicks of such impulsive hunters have been seen completing the hunt and burying their mentors in shallow graves, leading to grief, loneliness, contemplation, and in some cases…cannibalism.

  The Slow Hunter

  Works at an upsetting speed due to laziness and or hunger. Sometimes mistaken for a zombie by other zombies. To avoid falling into this category of hunter, you would do well to get at least 11 hours of sleep, eat healthy, and to exercise daily – this includes, but not limited to, jogging, hopping, speed-walking, speed-jogging, pull-ups, pull-down, sit-ups, sit-downs, leg raises, neck raises, head pulls, arm straightening, thigh pounding, back raising, feet stomping, and lifting.

  It is not surprising to hear of sidekicks accidentally shooting The Slow Hunter.

  The Legends

  Talofa Batesman

  Age: 34

  Nationality: Samoan

  Called “When Thunder Cries” by natives in Samoa, Talofa Batesman goes on record for killing the most zombies during a single night in 1833.

  His exploits can be read in the Samoan novel This is Thunder written by Yahweh Telemalima:

  “…and so Talofa stood in the field where his family was murdered by these unholy of bodies – bodies covered by mud and feces…bodies that stood in the night under the hard rain. Some walked toward Talofa. Many put their hands on his shocked belly and slept standing up. Two hours later, afraid for his life and tired from standing up for two hours, Talofa cut off their heads and ate their heads the next morning. He didn’t share with the village. And then he fashioned a boat made from the bones of the walking dead and sailed away into the sea for unknown, exciting reasons… Fofo Patterson, a high Samoan priest on a neighboring island, found Talofa sleeping on the beach, his arms wrapped around a zombie skeleton. Fofo’s famous last words on his death stool many years later were: “Oh God…he was naked, and ever staring. Therefore, he was zombie. I cut off his head. And then I put the head on a boat and it sailed away into the night. Listen to me now. This is important. Jesus Christ…I saluted it.”

  —This is Thunder, page 1

  Talofa’s body was later recovered by his family and, for fear of plague, it was agreed that his corpse be burned and painted and torn apart by the limbs – each one tied to a random, four-legged animal, which were set loose into the wild for religious explanations.