The Zombie Hunter's Bible Read online

  Wire of Harassment (WOH)

  Fishing wire will even be enough to sever the strongest zombie neck. Simply tie wire around hands and slowly creep behind zombie. Throw Wire of Harassment around neck and pull repeatedly until head parts from torso.

  Assault Furniture

  A smart hunter can use anything and everything around him as a tool against the living dead, like Jackie Chan. This includes items in the home. Furniture can be very useful: Couches can be overturned to pin down a zombie, lamps can be thrown over heads, television sets can be turned on as a distraction, and chair legs can be shoved into a zombie’s soft chest to puzzle them.

  Zombie Limbs

  Perfect for use as a blunt weapon if limb is deceased. If the zombie you are severely beating collapses, be warned, for they are not dead, merely napping. If the limb is NOT deceased, but rather moving rampantly, the hunter can use the “living” weapon to his advantage. For example, when aiming the moving hand at a zombie, it can grip onto the zombie’s hair with great force. If pulled hard enough, head-detachment is almost certain. (Immediately throw limb away after usage)

  Sword

  Perfect, effective weapon if you’re trained in the art of sword play, or so happen to have one in your home or in your car.

  Quafo Bomb

  Pour gasoline or Bacardi 151 into bottle and stuff in unwanted piece of clothing or dew-rag. Light…toss…and run away.

  Spear

  Basically an elongated sword found in every home, the hunter will find aiming very difficult. If zombie happens to latch onto the weapon, they will eat it, destroy it, and spit it back out at you.

  Bow & Arrow

  See SPEAR

  Flamethrower

  Superb for any location. To make a homemade flamethrower, purchase any “bug killer” spray can (chances are you already have some in your home). Squirt away from face and ignite spray with lighter. Zombie must not be lit in these locations: Woods, Fields, Neighborhoods, Playgrounds, and Gas stations.

  Nail gun

  Not useful against the undead, for a single nail – no matter how long – cannot destroy the zombie brain. Many attempts have been made by past hunters to pin a zombie down and shoot multiple nails into its undead head, but to no desired effect. Those hunters have been eaten, violently.

  Handgun

  Difficult to handle unless trained. In the hands of an amateur, the gun, when fired, will whip back into the hunter’s face. If a handgun must be used, you are urged to instruct your sidekick to operate the weapon. You must then hide and communicate via radio or sign language.

  Vehicles

  When operating a car, truck, SUV, or Delorean to run over a member of the walking dead, one must be careful that the severed torso does not sail through the windshield and strangle the driver. If this occurs, passenger must not use homemade flamethrower.

  Blinding Blanket

  A simple, yet ingenious weapon used to blind and mystify the zombie. Simply take hold of a large-sized blanket and toss over victim. In their bewilderment, they will not think to pull off the weapon. This will give you ample time to attack.

  Lawnmower

  If the user is able to carry the weapon and hold it before them, they will be amazed at its efficiency, for the zombie(s) will simply walk into the spinning blade.

  Kids and lawnmowers don't mix!

  Chainsaw

  A surefire way to decapitate a member of the living dead. Many have warned against the inevitable noise of this weapon, but the fact remains: If you find a zombie walking toward you – if even a great team of zombies – the odds are that you will be able to walk faster than them. Remember to carry extra bottles of gasoline.

  Shotgun

  Your greatest weapon when battling the undead. Even from afar, a stray bullet – when finding its way to a zombie’s head – can guarantee re-death. With a backpack full of shells, and the large quantity of shotguns being available in virtually every shopping mall, you will be able to protect yourself from even the thickest of zombie groups. In combination with the chainsaw, the hunter is virtually unstoppable.

  WARNING: Children should not play with weapons, let alone guns.

  Exercising

  Your body must be very important to you. A strong body equals a strong mind. Arnold Schwarzenegger – Mr. Olympia 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1980 – is the governor of California. He starred in such hit films as Raw Deal and Hercules in New York. If we have learned anything from following the career of this wise, fit human over the years, it is that exercising daily and following your dreams can produce out of the ordinary rewards.

  This includes hunting zombies.

  Scientific studies have shown that working out does indeed make you smarter. Sharpen your body. Quicken your mind. Rigorous exercise also releases endorphins, making you feel relaxed and joyous. When training the body, one should not exclude the limbering benefits of aerobics, as can be seen in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “behind-the-scenes” film Pumping Iron.

  Soon after its release, a sequel was made, this time focusing on the women of the weightlifting universe.

  Creating your Practice Zombie

  The practice dummy can be used to prepare the hunter for zombie-contact. There are two ways to go about this: 1) Make a dummy from scratch, or 2) Use a friend to stand in as a dummy.

  Making the practice zombie is rather trouble-free. Simply gather as many discarded bundles of newspaper as possible to form the skeleton, using tape to bind them. As a final step, dress the dummy in your clothes for added realism. Hopefully, this will disturb and anger you.

  When asking a friend to stand-in as a practice zombie, dress them in your clothes to enforce a feeling of weirdness and instruct them to walk about slowly. If they are comfortable with it, ask if they can walk into the furniture and moan in a sexy way. Then put a helmet over his/her head and instruct them to hold out their arms and try to bite their shoulder.

  Tool Kit

  Things You Need

  Keep your kit with you at all times. Reshape stakes daily. Restock all used items. If possible, tape items to the interior of your backpack, or around your torso and legs. This will ensure that they will not be lost or misplaced.

  It would benefit you to fill your kit with the following items:

  Smaller backpack

  Purified bottle of H2O

  Matches

  Portable bags of concrete

  Knife

  Dry clothes

  Wooden stakes

  A whip

  The Zombie Hunter’s Bible

  Sustenance in a can

  Opener for said can

  Things You Don’t Need

  There are things that you don’t need in your kit and will only take up valuable space. Refrain from taking along unnecessary items, especially those that are heavy.

  The following items should not be stored into your kit:

  A cake (or any open foods)

  Heavy books

  Computers

  Electric fans

  DVD players

  VCRs

  Televisions

  Rodents (or any form of pet)

  Skating boards

  Skating shoes

  For sidekick: If there is anything you wish to add to your kit, please inform your Hunter. If they refuse or hate your request, do not argue. They are most likely right.

  Dress code

  “The zombie stood before me as a statue would. It wore sickening clothing: Wearing only half of its black shirt – the left half. Its shorts were stained in the front where moss grew. A butterfly flew out. It also wore a golden chain around its neck. I tried to steal the golden chain so I could feed my babies, but it took hold of my hand and licked it. Teeth followed and I yelled out in protest. My screams did nothing but excite it more. Then she began tearing at my clothes as we struggled. I was left with nothing but a patch of cloth to cover my shame. Indeed, I knew what it was like to be a zombie then. My wife divorced me the next day.”<
br />
  —Gargamel, ex Hunter, ex husband

  Dress for success. The hunter must avoid wearing long clothing to keep the living dead from latching onto her/him. This means: No wedding dresses, no capes, and absolutely no “hoodlum” clothing that drag behind the feet or dangle from the buttocks. You will be the first to be horribly killed and eaten. Tight clothing is safe clothing. One would do wise to adopt the various clothing styles utilized by the flaming, homosexual community.

  Choosing the Sidekick

  Your sidekick is here to advise you, here to serve you, to learn from you. Choose them wisely – for you must care for them as you would a precious pet. She/he is your child, your baby.

  Love them…with your life.

  Skills

  Walking

  Talking

  Squatting

  Squealing

  Reading and/or Writing

  Caring

  Eating

  Feeding (you)

  Killing (themselves – or you when necessary)

  Seeing

  Cooking

  Swimming

  Carrying

  Singing

  Burying (themselves – or you when necessary)

  Attitude

  When hiring a sidekick, pay attention to how they present themselves. Are they excited? Do they sweat? Are their teeth grinding? Do they bathe? Are they bathing? When responding to your various questions, do they spit? Do you spit? Are they polite? Is there eye contact? Do they wink? Do they sit too close to you? Do they touch you?

  These are all important questions.

  They’re understandable.

  Be comfortable with your decision, for you will be with your sidekick for many days – possibly years!

  Health

  If you find that your potential sidekick is under the weather, seriously consider sending them home. If your sidekick is noticeably sicklier than a zombie, they are of no use to you. If for whatever reason you feel compatible with the sickly sidekick, and wish to keep them in your home, it is advised that you feed them and bathe them daily to ensure they bestow a healthy performance on the field.

  Vomiting

  This is a natural human/animal reaction. It is inevitable. But how does your potential sidekick handle regurgitation? When on the field and in battle or on the run, it would be a severe inconvenience for the hunter to accommodate their sidekick due to radical vomiting. Make sure that your sidekick can either hold their throw up in their mouth, or swallow it entirely.

  The Sidekick’s Code

  I, the Sidekick, will adhere to all of my Zombie Hunter’s wishes. I trust in her/him. They care for me. They love me. I trust them with a gun. I am here to learn from them. They can do no harm. If they abuse me – mentally or psychically – it is because I deserve it for some reason, and I shall learn from it and not argue. I give my Zombie Hunter my hand, and foot, and allow them to guide me to the promise land. In this precious land, the living dead are no more. (cross arms) End communications.

  Signature:

  Pay rate

  $1000 every other month.

  Insurance

  Benefits include but not limited to: Medical, Dental, and Mental. (All aid provided physically by hunter when time permits.)

  Sample application

  (please read entire application before filling out)

  Date:

  Contact Info

  Name (last): (first):

  Address:

  Phone#:

  Cell phone #:

  Education

  School:

  Work History

  (please list at least 2o past work experiences, starting from the most recent)

  1.

  2.

  3.

  4.

  (etc.)

  Personal

  (due to the law, the following is not required)

  Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If so, why? Y/N

  Do you inhale illegal substances? If so, why? Y/N

  Have you ever encountered a zombie? If so, why? Y/N

  Have you ever killed a zombie? If so, why?

  Do you have family? If so, why? Y/N

  Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior? If so, why? Y/N

  Are you single? If so, why? Y/N

  Are you a male? If so, why? Y/N

  I PROMISE, WITH ALL MY HEART, THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE (please write legibly)

  Signature:

  Orientation Sheet

  You Are on Your Way to Becoming a Zombie Hunter’s Associate!!

  Here is what you can expect in the next week or so:

  Once your drug tests and background checks have cleared, we will call you in for an orientation class.

  The orientation will be your actual first day.

  Your work week will begin as soon as you complete your orientation.

  It is very important the following is adhered to:

  You were hired based upon the availability you presented to us at the time you were hired. It is your responsibility to inform your Zombie Hunter, in advance, of any changes to your availability. Any changes could lead to termination.

  If you do not have the necessary documents on file you will not be allowed to start work.

  If you are not in dress code, you will not be allowed to work and will be sent home.

  SOME REMINDERS:

  Before Orientation

  Thoroughly read The Zombie Hunter’s Bible

  Get necessary paperwork done (example: New Social Security Card)

  Bring any missing paperwork (example: Driver’s License, SSC) to your Zombie Hunter’s home

  Things to Remember When Attending Orientation:

  Bring a Blue Ink pen

  Come dressed according to The Zombie Hunter’s Bible

  Come prepared with any questions you may have

  CHAPTER TWO

  The Journey & The Hunt

  On the Road

  Vehicle

  It is important to choose the right automobile when finally going on the road toward your hunting location. It must have a strong exterior with a large enough gas tank and the ability to carry a multitude of supplies – this includes zombies (dead or living dead).

  The SUV would serve your needs perfectly. It is the safest vehicle on earth – as has been testified over the years by many Hunters and various television news shows.

  For your protection, always let your sidekick do the driving – this includes operation of any other heavy machinery, except for the chainsaw. This is your weapon. Protect it with your life.

  Rest stops, Allowed

  Every now and then you may have to stop mid-journey due to hunger or the obvious bowel movement. If this should happen, feel free to pull into a gas station or convenient store and ask to use their Urination Room. Or if you must, instruct your sidekick to pull over to the side of the road so you may soothe yourself.

  When doing so, either hide behind a bush or behind the car. Your sidekick will be taking photographs for documentary purposes.

  Sleep

  It is safe to pull over and fall fast asleep ONLY after midnight, when traffic is slow. Even then, only the hunter is allowed to rest, for she/he needs the strength for the grueling battle surely waiting ahead. The sidekick will stay up the entire night with the accompaniment of coffee and a green Monster.

  Foods

  The sidekick is relied upon to purchase and/or cook for both people because the hunter must save all personal funds for sudden emergencies. Large amounts of baby food will be bought for their compact size and nutritional benefits.

  The authorities: “Lies & Diversions”

  Do not be scared if a police vehicle suddenly stops you. This is normal. They have even been known to stop automobiles for no reason other than to fulfill job related quotas.

  Unfortunately, the hunter does not have time for such inconvenience. There are things you can do to escape a police officer’s harassment.

  1. At first
sight of police interference, feed your sidekick alcohol and order him to “play dead”. Admit to the officer that your friend at the wheel is a ruthless drunkard and demands medical attention. The officer will then panic and escort you to the nearest hospital. While the officer is ahead of you, slow down your vehicle and cut off onto a nearby road, then turn off all the lights. In the morning, paint your vehicle a different color. It will then be safe to continue on your journey. Due to the initial shock your sidekick will no doubt experience, it is advised that you do not talk or make eye contact with them for at least five hours. If you feel that you must tell them something important, first soothe them by touching their shoulder and making tiny, circular motions. They will then turn to you, daintily…and smile.

  2. Put a wig on your sidekick (necessary even if female) and delicately shove a toy doll between their legs. Tell the officer that your wife is a pregnant woman and demands medical attention and that the baby is halfway out of her as you speak. Also mention that you can see the baby’s feet. Yell at the officer. He will apologize and become your escort, and friend. Follow instructions ending example #1.

  Whatever you do, DO NOT attempt to outrun a police officer. If ancient history has taught us anything, it is that the police are excellent drivers. Try to run out of fear and panic, and you will be caught and arrested.

  Do not give them the satisfaction.

  Do all that you can to please them and continue with your mission.

  Searching the Zombie

  Undead Clues

  When scavenging an area, be it cemetery or mall, remember to keep an eye out for telltale signs of a zombie’s presence. Dead bodies or discarded limbs are obvious signs. Deserted towns with questionable bloodstains are another. You may find – to your surprise – a rather hefty amount of zombie dung. This is natural. The zombie belly is weak and sometimes torn, releasing fecal matter without the walking dead even noticing.

  When encountering this substance, put it in a clear plastic bag and instruct your sidekick to smell the dung. The goal is to know whether the material is fresh or not. If it is odorless, then you have nothing to fear; the threat is far from you. But if your sidekick gags or begins to shake violently or even collapses – WATCH OUT. For you may be in grave danger of an attack.

  (For more effective results, order your sidekick to stick their finger into the dung and then put their finger into their mouth. The hunter then asks if it is hot or cold.)