The Zombie Hunter's Bible Page 6

  CHAINSAW

  Can turn your arm into a helpful killing machine. Begin by cutting out a hole on the end of the motor casing. Insert hand. May be extremely heavy. Weightlifting is advised. The hunter must be mindful of harmful exhaust. Starting of the chainsaw can be achieved by pulling on starter-cord by mouth, or with the aid of sidekick. (Can also be attached to foot.)

  SHOTGUN

  Remove handle, sharpening the revealed skeleton. When ready, shove end into hand-stump. Sleeping with shotgun arm pointed up at face is not suggested. Always keep shotgun arm aimed out the window with the aid of a tailor-made stand. (Can also be attached to foot.)

  Other attachable weapons: Knife, buzz saw, whip, gun, fork, spoon, stick, cup, bottle, wheelbarrow, lighter, magic marker, camera, or electric fan.

  Hunting in Zombie Infested Territories

  The zombie hunter will find her or himself in a variety of unfamiliar locations. In this chapter, you shall be educated on what to do in such an instance and utilize the location to your advantage, thereby maximizing the success of your hunt.

  Forests

  As we’ve learned before, inspect every tree for zombies. When hunting, climb up a tree and stay up there. Keep your eyes open and your ears alert for any sudden sounds, such as the crushing of dead leaves and distant, swaying objects. Use the tree to your advantage. If possible, load said tree with heavy objects: rocks, wet blankets, and dead bodies.

  Deserts

  Wear winter coats to block out the sun’s heat. When available, tie bags of ice around torso to discourage heat stroke. If ever thirsty, drink the melted ice. Hiding places excellent for spying on and attacking zombies include: Sand dunes. The undead are indifferent to wastelands. They will walk on the sand with ease. If they trip and fall, they will eat the sand and absorb just enough minerals to move on. Because of this, reputable scientists and nuns hypothesize that it may be possible for the zombie to live forever and ever in a desert.

  Cemeteries

  The worst place for any human to be…and yet, for the zombie hunter, the best. The cemetery is a hotbed of zombie activity. It is The Belly of The Beast, if you will. The hunter’s preferred hiding place? On top of a mausoleum. Keep low, and search the area with binoculars. Give special attention to fresh burials. Zombies crawl out from their graves periodically.

  This is especially true during the rainy season. Because of their Hypersleeping, they have harnessed enough energy to literally claw and eat their way through any coffin – wood or metal – or if they are buried deep under the ground, they will eat dirt. (This stored energy is utilized fully during the rising process, after which, the zombie’s power bar descends from 100% to Slow.)

  Houses

  Perfect for living in. Fortunately, the walking dead are attracted to such structures, beating on the front and back doors and smashing the windows, trying desperately to get in. Do not misplace any kind of key. Do not shoot at locked gas tanks out of frustration. Do not hide in the basement. DO tie up and gag dangerous humans who only argue and further complicate the situation. DO watch the news. DO search the house thoroughly for dead bodies before use. Be sure to board up all doors and windows – do so using solid boards that you can’t punch through.

  This is not to keep them out, but to keep them in – as many as possible! DO hide in the attic. Zombies cannot jump and pull down the attic door. In keeping with your goal to obtain a zombie sample, help a zombie up into the attic. Rob the zombie of its organs and then kill it in the head. Once the house is full of zombies, cook them with a flamethrower and jump out the window.

  Mansions

  Keep track of all keys, safety pins, CD’s, jewels, and professionally shaped stones. Keep all green and blue plants you find for future medicinal use. Make sure to push and check under statues, crates, and desks – also use to access hard to reach places.

  Do not go outside until a helicopter is heard. Be suspicious of individuals, military or otherwise, that speak in an unusually corny manner.

  Churches

  Chances of encountering Zombie Nuns, Zombie Priests, and Child Zombies are high. Only enter a church when absolutely necessary: If you are healthy and are hunting, if you hunger, if you are being chased, if you are sore, or if your sidekick experiences any of the above.

  Weapons that can be found in churches are – but not limited to – crosses, colorful window panels (or shards), weighty bibles, and oversized, priest-dressing gowns, which can be used as Blinding Blankets.

  Supermarkets

  Ideal for meals and restroom facilities. Be sure to turn off sliding glass doors and to remove magical, door-opening mat. Barricade glass doors. Once you are well fed and satisfied, open the doors and allow entrance to a zombie so you can extract a sample.

  If additional, redundant zombies break through the glass doors due to insurmountable numbers and amazing teamwork, hide in the storage room and obstruct door. Wait until it is quiet, then exit store.

  Bathrooms

  …in gas stations and schools and beaches are special hideaways for the zombie. They can be found in the last stall, which is almost always closed. Take this test: Sit in an empty stall next to the suspect. Pretend to be using the toilet – flush even, to make it more realistic.

  Now wait. If you hear a steady stream of fertilizer for more than an hour, the person in the next stall is a zombie. If no weapon is available, use tubing or rods found in the toilet. If you are being attacked and find yourself locked in a bathroom, climb out of the window to escape. If you are in an apartment high-rise DO NOT climb out the window.

  Boats

  Sometimes housing dead bodies that have died at sea due to desperate drinking of salt water and insanity via Agoraphobia.

  Mountains

  You can find frozen zombies here!

  Shopping Malls

  Every year, at least 50 zombies are reported over police radios – seen walking through mall parking lots and disturbing shy security guards. As a hunter, it would be wise of you to disguise yourself as a security guard to get close to such a zombie and kidnap it. On your first day on the job as a security guard, whether you are female or male, introduce yourself as Slack and shake hands. Make sure it is strong, yet gentle. Then sit down.

  Cabins (BONUS)

  Although cabins are associated more with demons, you are likely to find yourself in such a place as a result of a zombie hunt; therefore, caution must still be used. Things to watch out for: unseen, screaming force; dancing corpses, laughing furniture, basement doors, attacking trees, demonic possessions, blood-filled walls, criminals hiding loot under trees, flying 1973 Oldsmobile Delta Royales “The Classic”, and time portals. It is advised that you do not go into a cabin and instead seek shelter up a tree.

  Food

  What is Starvation?

  A state of extreme hunger, resulting from lack of essential nutrients over a prolonged period.

  Just like a zombie, we too hunger. Food equals energy and energy equals triumph. Have food on you at all times. Keep water in your backpack and meat in your pocket. As zombie hunter Megg Wright once wrote, “I have a cheeseburger in my back pocket.”

  There are two types of starvation: Intentional and Accidental. We shall examine all two in basic detail.

  1. Intentional

  Dietitians and nutritionists call this Fasting, with the purpose of cleansing the body. The hunter must be suspicious, for continuous, deliberate starvation could be a dangerous sign of anorexia, bulimia, or craziness.

  2. Accidental

  If you find yourself in a desolate, foodless location, or lost your feedbag, or your sidekick consumed your feedbag, then you are experiencing Accidental Starvation. It’s not your fault.

  The hunter does not have to go on starving, for, as you shall learn, there is and will always be food close to you.

  How To Properly Cook A Zombie

  First things first: Bless the meat by drowning it in holy water. Once it has been cleansed, you may proceed
with the following instructions. Zombie meat can be high in protein, lush with nutrients and quite fulfilling, depending on the freshness of the corpse. To prepare, preheat caldron of boiling water over medium flame. Carve flesh off from a fresh, “living” zombie. Don’t forget to properly dispose of the creature afterwards. (Disposal, pg.82)

  Mince meat into small cubes and toss into boiling water. Add in pinch of salt and the entire contents of at least one bottle of Tabasco sauce. Stir every 15 minutes or until meat is softened. Test by mashing meat with utensil. When ready, turn off or put out flame(s) and serve. (This is a basic method for zombie stew; for more recipes, please see Zombie Recipes.)

  The key is to boil thoroughly. The process will purify the zombie meat of any unwanted substances, as any boy scout will tell you. Later, the hunter is advised to brush their teeth after every meal and before bedtime.

  With fitting purification of your zombie meat, you have now established a fine meal. Just be sure that you get a priest to bless the meat first. And be sure that said priest is a real priest and not just some yahoo looking for attention and a few extra bucks for beer.

  Illness

  If you have failed to properly cook the zombie meat, you may experience a sense of malaise, cold sweating, throat convulsions, eye-sores, back pains, front pains, discoloration of nipples, enlargement of nipples, shrinkage of nipples, vanishing of nipples, panic attacks, triple vision, lack of tongue control, heart murmurs, sudden deafness, and lock jaw. This is normal and is no reason for alarm.

  The symptoms will take full effect within 15 minutes after consumption of erroneously cooked meat. As described by hunter Polly Torrez (UK), in an excerpt from her upcoming book Rat:

  “In nearing the end of this biography, I shall now describe, in excruciating detail, what happened to me when I digested poorly prepared zombie meat. My muscles felt like they were burning. I wanted to explode my throat. I was seeing things – startling things: Pink bunnies and flying toasters. She was there as well, riding a flying mushroom and drinking brandy. I kept hearing phones ringing in my head, so I picked up one of the phones and on the other end a little voice said to me “Silencio…Silencio…” My jaw locked. I had received lockjaw. So I said to my sidekick, “Lockjaw! Lockjaw!” I never saw her again. Oh, Rat, how I miss you.”

  —Rat, pg.8

  To combat these symptoms, the patient must drink a combination of water and Wesson oil every 30 minutes and urinate constantly. Urine must be nice. No blood is allowed inside. She/he must lie on the ground, face down, preferably in the sidekick’s lap as they massage the small of the hunter’s back in tiny circles. This will ease the spleen and excite the gut. With enough encouragement, the body will sweat the vile toxins onto the ground.

  Instruct your sidekick to burn the grass. If they ask why you can’t do it yourself, collapse, and with your eyes closed say that you can’t because you are so very weak.

  Now the vile toxins must be washed off your skin. Lean against a tree in the nude and look over your shoulder, gaily. With a strict tone instruct your sidekick to bathe you with a wet sponge on a stick. While you are being cleansed, demand that your sidekick keep their eyes open – for this is a learning experience, and there is much to be learned.

  Unleashing your bodily waste

  Proper Fecal Matter Disposal

  When your stomach is done processing your intake, it is now time to release your waste. Unfortunately, unlike normal litter, zombie fecal matter and urine liquor is weird. The subject will undergo severe tummy craps (or cramps) and disturbing leg vibrations. Time will stand still, then speed up, then stop all together. They will vomit in their mouth, and then swallow their vomit. Their hair will fall out, and then grow back, miserably. All of this in under 2 minutes.

  Finally, you will feel a suspenseful tension in your bowels. The hunter must run far away into the distance away from all vegetation and squat in an open, dirty field. Your feces will be the first to appear. It will be stink. Hold your breath and approve yourself. Then prepare your being. The matter will come out a frightening yellow. Do not panic. Pulsate your belly. Your feces will come out smooth, yet it will tickle. Do not scratch.

  Urination will follow. While still in a squatting position, lay your palms against your belly and push into it continuously at a startling speed. You will see a purple bead of liquid forming from your penis and/or vagina.

  At the sight of this, rest on your back and angle your hips skyward. You will suddenly find that your urine has escaped you and is now streaming into the air at a hard to believe distance. You have no control over this. The best you can do is watch and enjoy. (As opposed to feces, the urine is harmless. In fact, many hunters have found this unusual urine as well as standard urine useful in soothing rabid jellyfish stings and secretive insect bites. And then they drink it.)

  When you are done, grip toilet paper or dead leaves and wipe away excrement. If you are a female hunter, you are reminded that the motion is from front to back.

  Never from back to front.

  The reasons are healthy.

  Proper Urine & Fecal Matter Locations

  As we have touched in the above topic, there are specific places you must go to (and many times create) when disposing any kind of bodily waste – whether the urine or dung are zombie influenced or not. If you have access to a field, clear a small area of all shrubbery to get a nice patch of dirt. Dig a deep hole – the deeper the better. When you are done unleashing your waste, pour it into the hole and then burn the hole. Plant a daisy over the hole to inform other hunters of what you have just done.

  If you are in a dense forest, defecate and urinate into a tree trunk; then burn it down, and salute it.

  If on a wonderful beach, feel free to use the sea as your own personal lavatory. The fish live there and will applaud your courage…and the free meal. (Fish are not affected in any way by digested zombie meat. This bizarre fact is currently being analyzed by the world’s top scientists and witches.)

  The key is to keep the matter away from you, your sidekick, animals, insects, your baby, and the local plant life. If the dung is gobbled, intensely sniffed, sat on, or absorbed, the subject will become a member of the walking dead and must receive a beating.

  The perils of bodily waste consumption

  In times of intense hunger, when there is no vegetation or animals, or zombies to boil, you may have an intense need to consume your fecal matter. This is a desperate attempt and must be avoided at all costs.

  Sexual intercourse

  Choosing The Right Zombie

  Preferably a fresh, reanimated corpse

  Death by natural causes

  Zero limb loss – excellent exterior appearance

  15-30 years of age

  Not yet embalmed

  Bathed

  Bowels cleansed

  Protection

  CONDOMS

  Penis protection against fanatical germs and venereal diseases. Comes in a variety of exciting colors and flavors, such as Gum, Banana, Mint, Vanilla, Chocolate, Rocky Road, Peppermint, Beer, Cigarette, Rash, Book, Baga Ong, Tilapia, Penis, Mouth, Wrath, and Cherry.

  (WARING: The condom is not fit to be eaten.)

  Proper application of condom is as follows:

  1. Take out from wrapper.

  2. Roll over 1-30 inch penis (female or life partner may use hands, mouth, or feet).

  3. Commence sexual intercourse.

  4. Stop.

  5. Throw away after repeated use (condom).

  May be a choking hazard. Keep away from children. A condom does NOT guarantee protection against infection and pregnancy.

  FEMALE CONDOM

  A giant-sized version of the male condom, which is shoved, carefully, into the female vagina. Baby-preventing pills may also be taken.

  (picture removed due to

  religious objection)

  fig.6

  1. Quietly insert the inner ring into the vagina. Feel the inner ring go up and slither into place.
Place index finger inside condom and push the inner ring skyward. (fig.6)

  (picture removed due to

  religious objection)

  fig.7

  2. Do not push condom too far into vagina. (fig.7)

  (picture removed due to

  religious objection)

  fig.8

  3. Do not insert foreign objects into vagina, specifically hammers. (fig.8-9)

  4. The female condom is now in place and ready to be enjoyed with partner. When you are relaxed, tenderly guide your partner’s penis into the condom's opening with your hand, foot, or mouth to make sure that it enters appropriately.

  5. Commence sexual situation.

  6. Tap your partner on the back when you are done.

  7. Throw away after repeated use (condom).

  (picture removed due to

  religious objection)

  fig.9 (head in vagina)

  May be a choking hazard. Keep away from children. A female condom does NOT guarantee protection against infection and pregnancy. Condoms are most effective if used prior to sexual intercourse.

  Cleaning Up

  When sexual intercourse is complete and the zombie is disposed of, remember to clean any runaway spills or loose meat from off the floor and or walls. Be sure to inform your sidekick what you have done, so they will not touch the perilous areas. Hopefully, he or she had been watching the whole time as a learning experience.

  Take the mop and any other cleaning materials outside and put them into a hole or tree trunk. Burn them and immediately follow through by pouring concrete into the hole/trunk.

  Notice your sidekick.

  Are they shaking? Are they crying? Mumbling? Put your hands on their shoulders and update them that everything is going to be okay – that what you just did was regular and traditional. Be genuine. This will make them feel better. Guide them back into the house/hut/tent and instruct them to sit on a rocking chair and watch over the stained areas while you go to sleep. You must be sure that no animals, insects, or babies eat the dirty areas.

  How Zombies View our Dimension

  When Columbus' ships came near the Caribbean Islands, the Indians plainly couldn’t see them because they could not understand what they were witnessing. They had no knowledge of ships – these large beasts that ran on water. Their spiritualist saw weird wrinkles in the sea, not comprehending what was happening. Though we do not know what brings a zombie back from the dead, we DO know how they perceive our dimension. This is thanks to science – specifically, theoretical physics.