The Zombie Hunter's Bible Page 5

  Look for open mausoleums or upturned coffins or overturned cars. Command your sidekick to tie a color-coded ribbon on all broken tree branches.

  The color codes are as follows:

  a) RED – Intense Zombie Action

  b) PINK – Semi-Intense Zombie Action

  c) LIGHT PINK – Low Semi-Intense Zombie Action

  d) BLACK – No

  Encircle any or all crop circles with a string.

  Remember to take photographs of all evidence, no matter how diminutive or useless.

  When traveling through the woods, make sure to tag your trail to make for easy navigation back to your base of operations. You can do this by tying colorful ribbons onto trees, carrying along a very large ball of yarn, or laying tiny circles of God bread onto the ground (be sure to nail the bread into the dirt to discourage animal mouths).

  Trapping the Zombie

  Creating Zombie Traps

  Due to the undead’s extremely unpredictable nature, making a trap requires not only physical strength, but also intelligence. You must know which traps to use effectively, judging by your surroundings.

  THE DRY GROUND TRAP

  Connect empty soda pop cans to a good length of fishing line. Tie the fishing line around the base of the trees surrounding your campsite. When the zombie makes contact with your trap, not only will you be alerted, the zombie will fall to the ground and be tangled in the good length of fishing line. The more strength it puts into its struggle, the more tauter and lethal the wire will become, until eventually, the zombie will sever its own hands, legs, shoulders, back, chest, knees, thighs, and/or torso. If luck permits, the head will also be cut.

  THE MUD TRAP

  If you find yourself in the depressing situation of being in a rainy environment, this trap will prove quite effective. Climb up a tree with a large Blinding Blanket. Throw the blanket (which will no doubt be heavy, resulting from the humidity) over the zombie(s). It will fall to the ground, confounded. Jump down and hit it on the head with a weapon to ensure brain damage. Wash the Blinding Blanket with rainwater to guarantee future use, and cover the zombie with mud to contain any flaming odors.

  THE LAKE TRAP

  Sit in a boat in the middle of a lake with your hands laid neatly on your lap. Your sidekick will be on land, getting the dead’s attention by waving his arms in the air, topless and making raccoon sounds. He will then dive into the lake and swim toward the boat. When the zombies notice him, they will moan and follow into the lake. They will soon be wandering the bottom of the lake, reaching up to apprehend you. At this point, reveal your trident – which can be made by fixing a knife or fork to the end of a bamboo shoot – and simply stick it into the brains of the zombies. Your sidekick will be at the bottom of your boat, informing you of each confirmed kill by pulling on a piece of string that shall be attached to a bell around the hunter’s neck. If said bell does not ring for a period of 60 minutes, the hunter must assess the situation and paddle back to land as quickly as possible.

  BONUS: THE GIANT SWING

  Basically a giant log attached to ropes, this trap must be pulled back high-up into the trees. When the threat is seen, the ropes will be cut and the giant log shall come down and make brutal contact with the zombie(s). They will explode on contact. The use of ponchos is advised. This trap has been tested and approved by the Navy SEALS when battling extraterrestrials in dense forests.

  Containing The Zombie

  If you decide for some reason to NOT kill your zombie, and instead wish to contain the beast, do so by tying a blindfold over their eyes and securing their hands and feet with wire. After wrapping the zombie in a thick blanket and pelting it with rocks, attach the wiggling body to a long pole to be carried off.

  Do this in a marching manner to instill confidence.

  Obtaining The Zombie “sample”

  A variety of samples must be obtained for future scientific and religious analysis. A dry stool sample is by no means enough, and the permanent containment of a zombie is no guarantee. Below you will find a list of undead samples and how to gather them, safely. (The following must be done on an “animated” zombie before death to ensure freshness. IMPORTANT: Be sure to tie down zombie prior to sample extraction. Wear plastic gloves at all times.)

  Live Stool

  If the zombie’s belly is open and the intestines are missing, insert hand into anus and proceed to interrogate area. Dung should be lingering at the base. After cupping a handful of fresh fecal matter, put into see-through Ziploc bag and store at room temperature. Remove gloves and wash hands at an amazing speed.

  Tongue

  Have your sidekick open the zombie’s mouth. While attempting to extract the tongue with a sharp utensil, for example, an Attack Fork, be ready for sudden throat spitting. This can be anticipated by a distinct gurgling sound coming from the throat. Goggles are advised. Grip tongue, pull, and cut slowly to guarantee competence. Remember to breathe in through the mouth and exhale out the nose. The zombie – although in theory cannot feel pain – will cry out in excruciating agony. Earmuffs are recommended, but not necessary, as well as nosemuffs.

  Eyes/Legs/Arms/Back

  Not considered necessary.

  Disposal

  After the re-death of a member of the walking dead, disposal is necessary in guaranteeing that no child or animal will eat the corpse and become future zombies.

  Burning a zombie – or a group of zombies – although useful for undead body parts, is generally considered by professionals an idiotic idea. History has shown many examples of factories or ignorant mobs incinerating zombies, resulting in the ill effect of their ashes carried up into the rain clouds by wind and washed over cemeteries. The outcome is painfully obvious and depressing: Corpse Reanimation.

  Burial is the best option.

  After you have cut the corpse into tiny pieces, seal the remains in concrete. Bury the body parts in a deep hole. Follow through by pouring concrete over the burial to discourage plant growth. Be sure to scare away any kind of wildlife that might be watching, and judging you.

  Fight

  Proper Zombie Calling

  Waiting for a zombie can take hours, sometimes even years. The duck whistle can be very successful.

  A zombie can hear this sound from miles away. Caution must be used when zombie calling, for the results can sometimes be amazing. In one tale, a hunter in Egypt made a zombie call and two seconds later dead hands shot up through the desert and pulled him halfway into the sands. He was found the next day, deceased, and bleeding from below the eyes. When they pulled him out from the sand, his pants were gone.

  The men and women fled the scene screeching, leaving the body under the hot sun.

  His fingers were still in his mouth.

  Proper Human Identification

  Before attack, the hunter must first identify the suspect as either human or zombie. It is sometimes impossible to distinguish the two. Confusing humans include (but not limited to), the retarded, the elderly, the massively ill, and the handicapped. Remember that the murder of a human is unacceptable and is illegal in many states, save for Texas.

  Canada experiences zero murders.

  Canada is much like America, only without the guns.

  Identification can be done easily by using a Human Identification Call. WARNING: Before you initiate the call, it is of the utmost importance that you be absolutely sure no more than 3 zombies are in the perimeter.

  Proper procedure is as follows:

  1. Put your weapon down at your feet.

  2. Make sure that the suspect is at least 10 feet away from you.

  3. Wave at the suspect and call out “Dolphin Masters Strike Again!” The confusing phrase is intentional. No human is able to not respond in question. If said suspect does not respond, jump up and down while waving your arms.

  4. If the suspect waves back (but does not jump up and down), refrain from smiling and walking towards them. Analyze their arms: Are the arms being fed on by other
suspicious individuals? Do insects fall out of the arms? (The average human does NOT have insects in their arms, no matter how retarded they are.) Does the waving hand suddenly go into the owner’s mouth and pull out intestine? Is the suspect who is waving the hand eating its other hand? Is the suspect waving a severed hand? Does the suspect use their feet to wave? (Studies in Hawaii have shown that certain living individuals with rickets do indeed wave with their feet.)

  5. If the suspect DOES wave in return and jump up and down, yell out to them, using polite phrases such as: “Hi! My name is…” “Dear friend, I want to know you” “Your current clothing pleases me” “Your current face displeases me. I’m polite” “I understand your front” “She puts the lotion in the basket or she gets the hose again” “When I wave so lovingly it means that I cherish, so sweat” “You will give me a positive fever” “Hallelujah, I am hungry in a merry manner, and you did it” “Oh Jonathan, you are really Jo Nathan” “The bullets inside are so hot, why do I feel so cold?” “There shall be no fighting in my mouth” “You please my uterus, I kiss your toes, it’s fair”.

  6. If the suspect yells out in a response similar to “Yes?” “No?” “I don’t know?” “Call it” “Come here” “Go there” “I come to you” “I love to you” “I hate” “I woo” “I thank you” “I bathe you” “You flatter” “You flatten” “We touch you, it’s fine” “Gun wounds again?” “Drop it like it’s hot” “Lift it like it’s cold” “Put up or shut up” “I pooped a nail” “Who gave you nerves to get killed here?” then immediately assume that she/he is human and proceed to comfort and cherish them. If you feel compelled, hold them. It’s encouraged.

  7. If you identify the suspect – without question – as a zombie due to lack of proper response, you must massacre them devoid of remorse.

  The FEAR of Killing

  It is in our nature as humans to fear things such as knives, guns, loud dogs, crossing streets, God, angry cats, babies, fighting women, pumas, birds fighting birds, airplanes, flying in airplanes, dying, lying, and lovemaking.

  Murdering another thing is no exception.

  As a Hunter of The Undead, it is imperative that you realize that a zombie is NOT living; therefore, there is nothing to fear. If you still have trepidation, do not worry. When you come face-to-face with the undead and the time comes to defend yourself, the odds are you WILL attack – and you WILL murder.

  Fighting Against A Zombie And/Or His Parts

  As with an infant, there is more to a zombie than simple groaning and lumbering. One must not be fooled by how they present themselves; moreover, even after annihilation of the undead corpse, the hunter must also anticipate the devious undead limb.

  In both cases, knowledge of the zombie physique and a careful plan of attack must be developed beforehand. An undead limb is quite multitalented and persistent, able to attack regardless of terrain or opponent and can travel many miles without food.

  A detached zombie-mouth has been witnessed trekking 1,026 days on its own power without food or water, uphill. The hunter must always keep a watchful eye for the undead mouth. Due to its small size and astounding mouth-strength, an attack would be amazingly confusing and depressing. The undead arm (with hand) is the most lethal body part. Be careful when handling such an appendage. Stand at least three feet away from it. Do not poke it with a stick. Do not touch it in wonderment.

  As with any other undead body branch, it will have a will of its own and a deep desire to kill you via three ways: Strangulation, The shoving of fingers down the throat, and Passionate eye gauging. Do not play with the appendage. Do not hold it close to your face or any part of your body below the waist, and, most importantly, do not put your mouth on it. If your reasoning is to bite it to death, you will find your actions futile. However, you may jump on it, heatedly.

  Chopping then burning the body part is suggested.

  Forms of Zombie Attack, or: HOW THEY TRICK YOU

  The zombie is a being driven by an unseen/unknown force, bent on devouring you. It is an obsessed entity. It will walk many miles, break any wall, crawl through the snow, sit in the rain, ride any animal, and even walk through fire to get to YOU – the hunter.

  And like you, they have their own methods of attack.

  Biting

  As discussed earlier, the undead mouth is awesome. It is their main form of attack. Their mouths are living dead bear traps. Once it clamps around your flesh, nothing but the pity of Jesus, or the disgust of Satan, will save you. STAY AWAY from the undead mouth. Have a Wonder Stick on you at all times to shove into an undead mouth and keep it at bay.

  Grabbing

  The zombie that walks with its arms out – hands bent downward – is not blind, or seeking pity, nor a homosexual. They are merely resting their hands, saving up the energy to tear through your clothing and get to your precious meat and life-giving bits.

  The undead hand – although eager! – is relatively weak. The hunter may dismantle the body part by gripping the first and middle fingers and yanking outward, tearing the hand in two. Goggles are recommended, but not required.

  Kicking

  As witnessed by a minority of zombie hunters, the zombie is also able to kick. Although a highly dubious situation, the hunter (if ever to indeed encounter such a zombie) would fair well to kick back, aiming at the inside of the thigh. This will do either two things: 1) Disconnect the leg at the crotch. Or, 2) It will catch your foot between its legs and fall onto you. With its weight holding you down, it will have a distinct advantage over you.

  Slow Walking

  A mere ploy to fool you into coming in reaching range. The inexperienced hunter, in a sudden sense of superiority, will attempt to walk around the zombie. This has proven – sadly, many times – to be erroneous. The walking dead have been seen magically coming “alive” in an abrupt explosion of energy to catch their meal.

  This is the #1 mistake most hunters make, resulting in many unnecessary deaths and heartache. NOTE: If you so indeed happen to walk around a zombie successfully, it is because said zombie is severely malnourished. You are in the minority.

  Head butting

  As detailed by ex Indonesian hunter Jill Rickles:

  JILL: “Are we recording? Well…I told Mr. Magruder that I was so sorry he was a zombie, and that I’d never harm him. And when I ran the burning candle into its eye, it continued to head butt me! It’s so amazing. It’s so horrible! I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I had heard stories…(cries) I didn’t know what to do. It hurt so much. I cried out, but it wouldn’t listen. Why wouldn’t it listen? (cries) So I head butted it back, on its back. This seemed to have traumatized it, for it stumbled away and moaned a little. Then it began walking toward me, head butting the air over and over. It looked weird. I threw a microwave at it, killing it instantly after an hour. I was sad…Now I want to go pray. Can I go pray?”

  VOICE: “No.”

  Moaning

  When a zombie moans, it is not because they are hurt physically, or because they are depressed, or because they long. They make such groans simply to get your attention – your sympathy. They want you to walk up to them and ask if everything’s okay.

  They want you to pity them and caress their cheek with the back of your hand. In short, they will make sad sounds to get you close, so they can eat you. Beware the disheartened zombie.

  Attack Strategies

  There are many ways to battle a zombie. Some ways are extremely effective, while many more are simply competent. In an attempt to be The Zombie Hunter’s ultimate, trustworthy resource on the profession, we will only discuss strategies of extreme competence.

  Against single zombie

  Weapon in hand, run around zombie as quickly as possible. This will bewilder the zombie. Allow it to lunge after you, therefore draining its energy. You are still advised to run around the zombie until it gives up on you and moves on. Once directly behind it, attack brain.

  Against zombie groups

  Wea
pon in hand, run around zombies as quickly as possible. This will bewilder the zombies. Allow them to lunge after you, therefore draining their energy. You are still advised to run around the zombies. Once directly behind them, attack brain. ALTERNATE METHOD: Knit together a large Blinding Blanket to cover the group of zombies. Must be released from up a tree for optimal effect.

  Zombie Decomposition, Results from

  The war against the walking dead is a frustrating one. Fortunately, Mother Nature is on your side. The dead rot. They do so at a nonstop rate. Things fall off. Because of this – ultimately – you have the upper hand.

  Or do you?

  Hrmm…

  Take care when attacking the walking, rotting dead. Because of their weak composition, lethal innards tend to fly out, legs and arms fall off, and vomit is unleashed (sometimes from the palms and feet) – all without warning.

  WARNING: Be wary when using the shotgun. Never aim at the belly. It will create a clean hole that will only anger the zombie.

  When strangling the undead, be mindful of your own strength, for the head comes away easily and you could – out of shock – drop it, thereby allowing the zombie head to eat your feet.

  If a zombie is severely decomposed, a simple hit to the chest with a baseball bat can explode a zombie completely, resulting in a rain of perilous waste. If this happens, the hunter must stop, drop, and roll. Remember to take an hour-long, cold shower. End personal grooming with the brushing of teeth, using proper up & down motions. Gargle with mouthwash to kill gingivitis. Ignore the burning. This means it’s working.

  Spit.

  Proper ‘Weaponry Transplant’ Procedures

  The hunter is always at risk of injury: Illness, mental illness, and limb-loss illness. Maybe you lost a hand – or worse, BOTH hands. You may require special attachments to ensure a successful hunt. This section will deal with Weaponry Transplants.

  Before any kind of operation can take place, always remember to have your sidekick nearby, for support and emotional comfort.