The Zombie Hunter's Bible Page 7

  We are but fishes in a giant tank at Sea Life Park. All we know is what we see around us – crabs, rocks, and other fishes (or, as a dolphin on DuckTales once called them, “Fishies”).

  The Tank is our World. We barely comprehend what lies beyond it. So it is understandable how shocked we are when we see a strange, distorted “entity” peeking in at us through the glass, sometimes waving at us. This “entity” is something we – as fishies – have an arduous time comprehending. The Zombie views our world differently than us. For example, instead of seeing a sexy lady, it sees/hears a massive blob of edible goo on high heels that shrieks unintelligible words, with various sticks sprouting from it. Instead of a car hastening towards the zombie, it can only recognize some kind of weird, monster ice cream cone that can float at an incredible speed. And a tasty cone, at that.

  On the other hand, we see walking corpses that are disgusting and falling apart and stink.

  What if this is a fallacy? What if we’re only seeing what we have been taught to see? It is entirely possible that zombies may see themselves differently. Perhaps she is a lawyer simply ordering a burger at a fast food restaurant, or a doctor trying to buy a candy bar from the snack machine. But his dollar bill keeps getting rejected.

  You’d be angry, too.

  Perhaps they are perfectly clean and tidy. And maybe even smell radiant. Zombies and Humans exist in a universe that, out of ignorance and narrow-mindedness, neither fully comprehend. Gravity and Time, Life and Death are pesky illusions. They are our notions. Is the zombie aware of such things? Therefore, do such things apply to it? Maybe this is the ever-illusive secret of the walking dead – vampires and ghosts included.

  Indeed, the zombie lives a simple life where the politics of pain and death are nonexistent – as if to illustrate mathematician George Bernhard Riemann’s principle that the laws of nature become uncomplicated in elevated dimensions. Perhaps, at some point in Earth’s evolution, these zombies have somehow done, and are still doing – even with our advanced Science – what we cannot.

  Crossover.

  Will we ever know this as fact? Asking a zombie would be futile. The zombie speaks in a language that to our ears would be total gibberish and too anguished to comprehend. It would be as difficult as visualizing a cube in four dimensions – also known as Hinton’s Cube, or Hypercube, created by mathematician Charles Hinton as a way to see what objects appear as in the fourth dimension.

  Can a zombie effortlessly visualize a Hypercube? Can they see into the fourth dimension?

  The above being addressed, a warning shall be stated here, that we humans must be careful to not perform the misleading notion of anthropomorphism. We should never see similarities in these “beings” from beyond the grave. With their attitude, they are NOT us and will NEVER be us.

  Whether we like it or not, Wo(Man) and Zombie have coexisted since the recording of history…and they are here with us to this day. How we humans choose to view this Universe is entirely a choice any one of us can make in any given moment at any given day. The same opportunity can be said for zombies.

  Life at Sea Life Park is one of many possibilities.

  Still, the questions remain: Who are the tourists?

  And who are the Fishies?

  Disguising Yourself As A Zombie

  Rewards & Tribulations

  When we dress up as a zombie, we become one with the zombie. They will not want to attack you, let alone eat you (save for the dreaded Cannibal Zombie). The rewards are great. Disguised as a zombie, the hunter is able to approach a member of the walking dead – sometimes even nose-to-nose! – and cut off their head. There have been numerous reports from Oahu where hunters have walked up to a zombie and punched them in the face…and the zombie did nothing. The hunter and the zombie stand there for many seconds, unflinching, ever staring into the other’s eyes as the sun sets behind them.

  These same hunters have said that the undead creatures seem to want to cry – that there is an intense sadness in their eyes. These hunters respond by embracing the zombie and crying into its soft chest. And yet the creature does not attack or even attempt to taste the hunter.

  Sometimes it does bewildering things, like pat your head, as one hunter – Mirren from Makiki – has said, in court, under oath. It is important not to intimidate the creature. Once disguised, the hunter gains a sense of power and happiness. They will feel like Gods and walk around with their chests aimed skyward and their noses pushed outward. Many will point and laugh at the zombie. This is wrong. The creature will see through your disguise and try to put its mouth on you. Many have died this way, resulting in the sidekick completing the objective and gaining the booty. And yet, punching a zombie does nothing.

  The difficult characteristic concerning Zombie Disguisitation, or what ancient Hawaiians refer to as Fisting, is mastering the act of acting. Failure of this will result in instant death and sad reanimation. Or worst…years of disfigurement. The following exercise is guaranteed to strengthen your acting abilities.

  Scene: “Under Attack”

  SIDEKICK: Hunter, the zombie is standing right in front of us. Please advise.

  HUNTER: Put your mouth on it.

  SIDEKICK: Yes, master. (pause) Oh! I am a zombie now! My arms are held out in front of me and I grow with crazy wishes! Please, refrain from the runs. I want to put my appetite inside of you.

  HUNTER: My tactics have proven infantile; therefore, I apologize. Have I lost thou, friend?

  SIDEKICK: Come in with the elk, come in with the elk, come in with the elk…

  HUNTER: (to original zombie) Dear zombie, my sidekick’s thinking patterns are now weird. His brain is broke. And you did it. Look! I have deceased him. Yes, zombie, come to me. Quiet or I will blow your throat up.

  This exercise must be repeated at least fifty times to ensure the excellence of your acting abilities.

  Moaning, Walking, and Eating

  The walking dead have mastered three abilities: Moaning, Walking, and Eating. To be seen as one of them, YOU, despite their difficulty, must also master these actions.

  Moaning

  To moan properly, exhale deeply. Say the word Propaganda over and over again while inhaling. Do this many times until you have become familiar with the word and have become lightheaded. You can practice anywhere, even during lovemaking. When you are ready, sit in a comfortable chair. Stand up and face a full-scale mirror. Walk close to the mirror so your lips are touching it. Repeat what you have practiced.

  “Propaganda…Propaganda…Propaganda…”

  Do you see feel like laughing at yourself? Do you feel shamed? This is not acceptable. A real zombie would not feel shamed. It is unclear why this is. If you are experiencing disgrace, then you are probably not inhaling properly. Additional practice is advised. Try having your sidekick put their fingers in your mouth. Do not make eye contact. Continue to practice as usual, imagining that your sidekick does NOT have their fingers in your mouth. This has proven effective for many zombie hunters.

  Pour 10 spoonfuls of salt and the insides of 30 lemons (pulp included) into a see-though cup. This must be swallowed each morning for the following 3 months. Complete the process by gargling with vinegar and then swallowing your vinegar. The sheer quality of your voice from this point on will be noticeably breathtaking.

  Months later, if you are disciplined and have been faithful to this moaning exercise, your throat will produce an effective, non-disgraced sound that will be applauded by any zombie.

  Walking

  Be in the nude. Stand before a full-scale mirror showcasing your state of undress. Hold out your arms, as any zombie would. Now hop up and down – take huge jumps, landing in huge squats.

  Now take tiny jumps – focusing on your toes. Practice your moans. Alternate from huge to tiny jumps until your legs are exhausted. To help you overcome your disgrace, please have your sidekick watch you, also naked (or nakes).

  Stretch out on the grass and instruct your sidekick to stran
gle one of your legs. When it is asleep, thank your sidekick and walk about. You will be joyous in its difficulty. Nonetheless, you will be dragging your leg and therefore will be walking appropriately – in zombie conditions. On the field, when you (and your sidekick) are disguised as zombies, have your sidekick strangle your leg periodically.

  Eating

  Zombies are slow, untidy eaters. Practice this at mealtime or while eating your sidekick’s meal. Be as messy as possible. Try to get some food onto your sidekick’s face. Instruct them to not be angry with you because you are merely acting. If they do not believe that you are a zombie, have them put their fingers in your mouth.

  A Zombie’s Fashion Sense

  Zombies have their own sense of fashion, and it is Grime. It matters not if the “fresh” zombie is in a clean business suit or wedding dress or Japanese schoolgirl uniform. In the end, the zombie is dirty.

  When camouflaging yourself as a member of the walking dead, be wise in not so much what you wear, but how you wear it. Try rolling around in the mud and then putting your clothes on and having your sidekick urinate on you. Smile when they do this, so their bladders do not “lock up” due to shame. If they wave at you, then the bladder is relaxed.

  You could burn your clothes halfway and then wear them, use your pants as a shirt or your shirt as pants, even vomit into your undergarments and then wearing these undergarments (do not regurgitate into undergarments if you have open wounds). The possibilities are endless. If all else fails, steal the clothes off a zombie’s back. And then kill the naked zombie.

  How to Develop your Sense of Hearing

  The ear. It must be taken good care of. You must bathe it and protect it. The walking dead have the terrifying ability to creep while not making the tiniest of sounds. You will need the ear to detect the approach of the zombie – especially during nighttime hours.

  To further develop the power of hearing, the hunter would benefit well utilizing a method known as Barbara’s Monster Box, where the hunter sits in a large metal box in the dark for one undisturbed week. When the sidekick lets out the hunter, their sense of hearing (and sight) will be increased ten-fold. Children must not be put into Barbara’s Monster Box without written approval by parent or guardian.

  (Due to the mental state of certain hunters as a result from being in Barbara’s Monster Box for a week, it is advised that the hunter be checked by the sidekick to make certain they are psychologically ready to be let free.)

  Living Dead Animals

  Persona

  The Animal Zombie is no different in personality than that of the Human Zombie. The walking dead animal is a slow, moaning, flesh-hungry creature. As mentioned earlier, animal zombie death is the same as human zombie death.

  The hunter must aim for total brain ruining.

  Below you will be introduced to typical animal zombies most encountered by the hunter.

  CAT

  Can be found in bathtubs, standing on hind feet with back faced toward you. When disturbed, the zombie cat hisses in reverse, its pitch rising then lowering. If left alone, the cat will give birth to other troubled zombie cats via mouth. Though relatively risk-free, the hunter is still advised to kill the zombie cat to death.

  DOG

  Stands on streets, unmoving, drooling. The eyes have been clawed out due to self-mutilation. The tongue has also been stretched to an amazing length and lies on the ground, twitching and saddened. The zombie dog is unique, in that when food is seen, it laughs.

  RAT

  Moves across the floor at an incredibly slow speed. Has the bad habit of trying to crawl into a sleeping human’s mouth. The hunter must be careful. It is advised that the hunter instruct the sidekick to put their hand over the hunter’s mouth during sleeping hours and bathroom hours.

  SPIDER

  Stores all available strength into its legs. Hops up and down in place, excelling in height with each jump. Their goal is to land on the hunter’s head and burrow into their brain so they can feed. At the same time, they possess the hunter to jump into the ocean.

  When in water, the spider lays its eggs inside of the skull. When the eggs hatch, it eats its offspring.

  SNAKE

  Stands on tip of tail, resulting in a pole-like appearance. Frightening in form, a zombie snake by itself is quite harmless. You can pick it up and pet it. If you wish, you can put your mouth on it. However, if there is a pack of zombie snakes – and they are surveying the land – you are to evacuate the area immediately.

  When sustenance is seen, zombie snakes let out an ear shattering “Aiiiiiiiiiii!” and swallow their neighbor’s tail to form a giant-sized, standing snake that will hop after you. If you are in reaching distance, the snakes will fall onto you and render you unconscious, permitting them to eat you.

  LION

  Can be found in grassy areas such as fields and backyards and playgrounds. They have eaten away their long manes and genitals and rear-legs. When sustenance is seen, they fall asleep, crying.

  MONKEY

  Dangles out from tree by its tail. It’s strange in that the zombie monkey has a metal box in place of its face. Many a hunter have tried to open these boxes, and were never heard from again. The legend of the monkey’s box has grown over the centuries. Some speculate that there is a treasure inside; while many believe there is nothing at all but the monkey’s detached facial matter, and wine.

  (The selling of wine found inside a Zombie Monkey is illegal in over 30 states, including Hawaii.)

  PARROT

  Trapped in their cages, these zombie animals can be found in houses and apartment complexes and pet stores. They do nothing, but sit on their perches, muttering over and over again “The rose in your back”. Many have tried to translate what these zombie parrots are talking about, but have either gone insane or, in some cases, lost weight.

  When encountering a zombie parrot, you are directed to put your hands – or have your sidekick put their hands – over your ears and simply walk past. If possible, drape a sheet over the cage. The bird will think that it is nighttime and fall asleep.

  THE YETI

  Over the centuries, speculation has surrounded the Yeti in regards to its existence. The majority explain No. Yet, this is an erroneous belief. The Yeti has been with us since American Revolution times. Many thrive in the sticks of America and the frozen hills of Chinese Land. The Zombie Yeti is no exemption. As a matter of fact, unlike their living counterparts, the zombie version of a Yeti can be found lumbering down your neighborhood streets. They are strong and very obvious. The only way to kill one is to shove a metal spike through its bulbous, rock-like head. Many have tried and either have died, or gone retarded. If you ever so see one, and for whatever reason do not have a metal spike or a variety of muscles…flee.

  KANGAROO

  This zombie animal hibernates in discarded automobiles. When a meal is identified, they kick open the door, tuck and roll, and collapse onto the ground. Due to its inability to run, they will simply arch its back and aim its pouch toward the meal. A sweet, beautiful scent will be emitted, coaxing the meal to investigate the zombie kangaroo. If in range, the beautiful scent will instantly turn pong and a baby kangaroo will pounce onto the victim and burrow into its belly. Throughout this, the mother kangaroo will be bleeping. Once the meal is killed or unconscious, the baby kangaroo will put food into its mouth and feed the mother like a bird.

  FLAMINGO

  Stands in lakes and ponds on one leg. The other leg can be seen held in its mouth. It has crazy eyes. If disturbed, the creature will attack by blasting its eyes out at you. Without its eyes, it will not be able to see its food; therefore, it will feast on its legs and continue to consume the rest of its body. In the end, it will be nothing but a head. The zombie flamingo cannot reproduce.

  CAMEL

  When feasting on wo(man) or animal, keeps its meal in the hump for future meals. If you kill a zombie camel and are starved, you are urged to eat its stored hump-meats.*Various parts of the zombi
e camel are also edible, except for the foul tasting camel toe, unless cleaned thoroughly before consumption. Then it is a delight.

  *Please follow proper food purification instructions.

  GIRAFFE

  Usually seen loitering on the outside-stairs of various buildings. The long neck has gone purple and the mouth constantly burps an offensive odor. Because of its sluggish insides, the zombie giraffe does not bother to run or give chase. It attacks by shoving its face through windows, biting its victims, pulling them outside and dropping them to their deaths. Before it eats its meal, the zombie giraffe has to kneel.

  ELEPHANT

  Popular on city streets. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the elephant itself that has come back from the dead, but the nose or trunk. It controls the elephant body, making it do things against its will. It sticks things into its mouth, ignoring its pleas. To combat this creature, one must cut off the nose and burn it to death. WARNING: When threatened, the nose defends itself by shooting out baffled, elephant fetuses that yell.

  IF YOU ARE BITTEN

  If a zombie – animal or human – ever bites you or your sidekick, you are to be immediately concerned. The important thing is to settle down.

  You are not dead yet. Your body will fight to survive. Take this time – these last few hours – to write your Last Will & Testament, comfort your sidekick, or confess your sins and darkest secrets so you can get into Heaven. Your sidekick will be helpful in this area. They will be more than happy to forgive you of your past and your eccentricities. They will guide you through a process of soul cleansing.

  This is called The Rainbow Room.

  And it will make your final moments a soothing one, indeed.

  The Rainbow Room

  The method takes place in no room at all, but rather a lake or field. The hunter and sidekick are to dress appropriately prior the ceremony: Sidekick and hunter must take off all clothing (it is advised your sidekick still wear priestly scarves).