Ambulance Masters Read online

THE back room was bathed in Christmas lights that faded in and out at a relaxing speed. They were taped everywhere—on the walls, over the windows, on the chairs, even on the ceiling, where many long, blinking strands dangled.

  I sat down in front of the table, which was also covered in Christmas lights. I was hypnotized, so very relaxed. Cakers was cursing and rubbing his eyes.

  There was the sound of falling boxes. Queen stepped out from a door, arms spread out, her body from the neck down covered in Christmas lights—only these lights were on the “constantly blinking” mode. Her head was spared.

  “It’s been too long!” she said, smiling and clapping her palms. She sat at the table. Wanton scurried by—also covered in lights—grumbling. Queen pulled on a dangling strand of Christmas lights, and the little yellow box was lowered from the ceiling, onto the table, as a midi version of the Top Gun theme played.

  I nodded.

  “This is Japan all over again. Thank you, God.”

  Queen held up a lamp, narrowing our pupils.

  “Good. You’re paying attention. Now from this moment forth, you must not object to my ways. I am placing a tape recorder onto the table, and shall use it to document this occasion for future usage. Now, while you two stare at me with eyes of such awesome bewilderment, I now rest my icy fingers on the little box from the wall.”

  She fingered the sides of the little box and yanked out two wires, leaning over and securing them to our foreheads with Band-Aids. She was mumbling something the whole time…something so wild, yet so beautiful, in a high pitch voice, and in reverse. Queen took her seat and said that we are now connected. She then instructed us to take shots of cheap vodka.

  The words that then fell from her lips began to fade.

  “Dear men…you are getting tired. Close those eyelids. Remember to breathe. Sleep now and remember your past. Sleep…sleep…sleep…sleep. You are walking down a tunnel. Sleep…sleep…sleep. Oh, and what is this? What this be? Why, it’s a door! Raym, you open it first. What do you witness?”

  I remember opening my mouth…holding it for exactly 7 long seconds…then…all…was…black.

  (Editor’s note: The following transcript was electronically recorded that fateful night and has not been edited. Parental discretion is advised.)

  QUEEN: Why, it’s a door! Raym, you open it first. What do you witness?

  RAYM: (disgruntled sounds) Error.

  QUEEN: Pardon?

  RAYM: Bursting.

  QUEEN: Raym, do you hear me? I want you to say the alphabet. Can you do that for me?

  RAYM: ABCDEFG…HIJKLMNOhhh…I see land.

  QUEEN: Proceed with this…land.

  RAYM: Pain…such pain. In my belly.

  QUEEN: Ease through it.

  RAYM: It hurts so much. Can I come back now?

  QUEEN: No.

  RAYM: …

  QUEEN: Go on, for the betterment of your soul, and tell me what you see.

  RAYM: A house. Maybe a farm. Animals now. Looking at me. I want to run from here—into the house.

  QUEEN: Do it.

  RAYM: Okay.

  Long pause. Then…

  RAYM: Okay, I’m in the house now. I’m being murdered!

  QUEEN: Really? Who is stabbing you?

  RAYM: A dame. The knife hurts me!

  Crying sounds. A chair is noisy.

  QUEEN: Shhh…relax. All is well here. All is well. Are you seeing yourself being murdered?—

  RAYM: Through my eyes!

  QUEEN: Shhh…you feel no pain.

  RAYM: It hurts so much!

  QUEEN: Uh-oh. This is bad. I want you to go back…go back to a few days before this painful time.

  Pause.

  RAYM: Oh yes, I am having sex.

  QUEEN: With who?

  RAYM: It is with a nun. I feel no shame.

  QUEEN: Stay in your seat please. No. Don’t do that. Keep your hands on the table. That’s good. And what sexual position are you folks in?

  RAYM: Regular.

  QUEEN: I see. Too bad.

  RAYM: Fear again!

  QUEEN: Explain. Keep your hands on the table please.

  RAYM: She tells me that we can no longer be together. She wants me to learn a valuable lesson…that cheating is bad…that all cheaters go to Hell…that our relationship has been a total lie. What? She has dated over 1,000 men and women to bring out the cheaters in them—to show them their ugly side. She is on a mission. She wants me to feel guilty, and I do. She asks if I will kill myself now…or continue living a shameful life.

  QUEEN: And what say you?

  RAYM: I say I will think about it. She laughs and spits in my face! She says that I should speed up my journey to Hell by strangling myself now, rather than wait for so many years. Her laugh matches her eyes.

  QUEEN: Don’t look at her eyes!

  RAYM: Too late! I cry now.

  Crying sounds.

  QUEEN: Hrmm. Go forward a little. I feel that we are getting close to something. Go forward one day, and tell me what you see.

  RAYM: In pre-murdering house. I am sitting at a table, eating with some woman. She is the one I am cheating on. I am so full of guilt. I want to cry again.

  QUEEN: Don’t.

  Pause.

  RAYM: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey!

  Pause.

  QUEEN: Now what.

  RAYM: I am eating eggs.

  QUEEN: Ironic.

  RAYM: This seems normal. Knife? No! Don’t kill me!

  QUEEN: Back up ten minutes.

  RAYM: Cooking eggs. Putting eggs on a plate. Sitting down, and as I put a spoonful of eggs and rice into my opening, she speaks…tells me that…oh no no no no…oh, Jesus…she knows that I cheated on her. The nun told her? I am so scared right now! My girlfriend is not to be messed with! She is tough and at certain times scary! She is a Gemini. She has been cheated on many times. I swore I was different. I feel that she wants to hurt me. My stomach complains. What to say? Nothing. It can’t get worse. The closet door now opens and that damn nun is there. It’s worse. I am so MAD at her! I run to her! Shaking my fists! My gf stands and…look out, me! The knife!

  QUEEN: Stop. Come back. You’re finished. Oh my God.

  Tape is paused. Tape begins recording.

  QUEEN: Cakers…now you open the door. Go back into your past, and tell me what you see.

  CAKERS: I am Raym’s girlfriend and I am cheating on him with a nun. Now I’m stabbing him.

  QUEEN: Good. Come on back.

  Pause.

  QUEEN: On the count of three, both of you will open your eyes. 1…2…3.

  FOUR