The Zombie Hunter's Bible Read online

  Unknowingly, it will instead scrub you clean.

  Also useful for toweling your head dry.

  Security Guards

  Zombies make for excellent guards – with their keen eyesight and hearing and distinct verbal alarm.

  Dress the zombie up in black and tie it to the desired post. When you are going out late at night and would like to protect your house from burglars, suspend your zombie in the air above the front door or any window. When the door or window opens, have a device drop the zombie onto the burglar and kill them.

  Be sure to starve your zombie. This way, it will eat the burglar, therefore not allowing zombie reanimation.

  When you come home, you can subdue your zombie by shocking it with a cattle prod and waving your finger at it.

  On Selling

  Where To Sell Your Zombie

  The hunter can make a sizable profit by selling his zombie. There are many zombie markets – called Fulci’s – all over the globe. Here the buyer can sell their zombie, trade their zombie, find attachable zombie limbs, whole zombies, zombie heads, frozen zombies, dried zombies, zombie intestines, liquefied zombies, baby zombies, animal zombies, etc. The first and most popular Fulci is located in Honolulu, Hawaii’s China Town district, on King St. Like most Fulci’s, it runs as a different service during the day – in this case, a fish market – but come nightfall, at 1am, the undead bazaar is open for business.

  A variety of languages populate Fulci’s – there are Chinese sellers, American sellers, Italian, French, Samoan, Hawaiian, German, Russian, Caribbean, even Japanese.

  Before selling your zombie, be sure to bathe the creature thoroughly. Don’t forget to soap commonly neglected places, such as behind the ears and between the legs. Brush the zombie’s teeth. If zombie is void of teeth, put some inside its mouth. Dress it in clean clothing, preferably a business suit with matching tie (clip-on ties are NOT acceptable) and create a Windsor Knot.

  Be sure to put your zombie on a leash, preferably one made of chains or industrial wire.

  What is a good set-price?

  As a Seller, use good judgment when pricing. What is the quality of your zombie? If it is in excellent condition, consider a selling price of $25,000. If your zombie is missing parts, or is nauseous, put a price of $500. Parade your product to the various shops. There will be shop owners who will try to purchase your zombie for a lower price. Stand your ground and repeat your asking price. If they do not agree with your demand, move on to the next store.

  Consider these price ranges when you are also buying from zombie sellers.

  Numerous merchants will try – desperately – to pass damaged goods off as quality products and charge ridiculously high prices.

  The Smart Buyer or How not to get scammed

  A newcomer’s first experience in a Fulci can be quite frightening. The first thing they will notice is the heavy smell of lemon. This is sprayed throughout the market before opening hours to cover the inevitable zombie stench. There will be loud, foreign voices shouting at him, wanting him to purchase items from their stands. There will be weird sights, such as rows of twitching, cooked-to-a-golden-brown fetal zombies on hooks; yawning zombie heads on conveyer belts; severed, shaking limbs behind glass; and various other meat displays.

  The newcomer will also find sampling stations.

  It is advised that you DO NOT put anything you find at a Fulci into your mouth. Many vendors wish to drug you and take advantage of you. This can be for two reasons: The vendor wishes to steal your wallet when you have collapsed, or, even worse, they wish to kill you and turn YOU into a zombie in order to make a tidy profit.

  As you explore this fascinating place, be sure to keep your zombie close to you at all times.

  If you find a product that you wish to purchase, use an eye of scrutiny. Is the product damaged? Upon further examination, does it smell creepy? Will the vendor even allow you to touch said product? Feel free to ask the seller a multitude of questions – How long have they been selling? Have they ever been convicted of a crime? Do they have friends in the market who are also sellers, and if so, may you speak to them?

  If you find the price for something peculiar – for example, a female zombie head that costs $600 when another shop sells a similar head for $100 – it is advised that you do not purchase the head or anything else from that shop.

  Also, use good buying-sense. Do you really want that zombie’s back that costs $1000? When you could buy thirty bundles of 3 zombie thighs for the same price? A growing, popular item at the market is the zombie fetus, which retails anywhere from $9,000 to $30,000! Ask yourself what you can do with it that you CANNOT do with a cheaper adult zombie? The Fulci is a place of business, and like any business, there are dishonest people who will do whatever possible to rob you of your hard-earned money.

  Talk to trusted wholesalers and become familiar with the politics of the zombie bazaar. The more knowledgeable and shrewd you become toward the zombie market, the harder it will be for dishonest sellers to rip you off – and the better the odds of you purchasing a quality product.

  Happy shopping!

  APPENDIX

  Zombie Transformation Agencies

  “Thanks to the wonderful people at ZT (Zombie Tsunami), I’m now a size 1 again! That, and I can now eat my own filth. Mmm, tastes like math! Thanks ZT!”

  -Janey Hunter, unemployed

  The only way to become a zombie is to be bitten by one. There is no other way – scientifically or magically. Beware of organizations that make false promises of transforming you into a zombie. They have been known to fool the client, or prey, by simply getting them drunk and/or hitting them over the head repeatedly to induce a zombie-like state of mind. If an organization does indeed house a zombie, please reconsider becoming one. The life of the walking dead is one of eternal hunger and, even worse, depression.

  Below is an example of an actual scam agency:

  At Zombie Tsunami we are a team of scientists, rabbis, and kindergarten teachers devoted in turning you – that’s right, YOU – into a zombie. For a small fee of only $2,ooo.oo (Canadian), you too can live that dream of becoming a member of the living dead. It’s fast, easy, and best of all, Painless! (not painless).

  But what kind of zombie will you be? A strong zombie? Maybe a hip zombie? Or how about a whore zombie? If you act fast, you can even be a fag zombie, a straight zombie, a zombie fetus, a running zombie, a racecar-driving zombie, a crazy zombie, a zombie-fell-into-the-dryer zombie, an over compulsive zombie, an over compulsive zombie, an over compulsive zombie, a gerbil zombie, a (O_O) zombie, a sleeping zombie, sad zombie, a mad zombie, a glad zombie, a crying zombie, a stink zombie, a limbless zombie, a standing zombie, a contemplating zombie, a porn zombie, a prone zombie – you can even be a shy zombie. Awww, cute! If you do not see a personality that you like, you can even get one custom made.

  The first 3oo members get a free tote bag of beef! As you can see, the possibilities are endless. So don’t delay, decay today!

  Zombie Tsunami, where your worst nightmares become your best dreams. Yay Zombies! ^_^

  DISCLAIMER: All future “zombies” become the sole property of Zombie Tsunami; creators/shareholders shall use and/or abuse “properties” in anyway they deem appropriate: legally, illegally, and sexually.

  ZOMBIE RECIPES

  Undead Powerballs

  INGREDIENTS:

  5 pounds lean ground zombie beef (or cow beef)

  3 tablespoons ground oregano

  3 tablespoons dried parsley, crushed

  2 clove garlic, chopped

  1 (1 ounce) package dry onion soup mix

  3 cups dry bread crumbs

  3 (28 ounce) jars of zombie sauce (or 3 jars spaghetti sauce)

  DIRECTIONS:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Flippantly grease a 10x15 inch pan.

  2. In a hefty mixing bowl, unite zombie beef, oregano, parsley and garlic. Mix in onion soup mix and seasoned breadcrumbs. Mix methodically.
r />   3. Using a 1-ounce scoop, shovel and shape the meat concoction into balls. Place balls in the prepared pan and bake in a preheated oven for an hour. Balls should be browned and fit for human consumption.

  4. In a fat pot over high heat, bring the spaghetti sauce to a simmer and add cooked meatballs. Reduce heat and simmer for some time.

  Tongue Chili

  INGREDIENTS:

  2 pounds of zombie tongue (or lean ground beef)

  1 onion, chopped

  2 red bell peppers, seeded and diced

  2 jalapeno peppers, seeded and diced

  4 cloves garlic, minced

  1/2 cup chili powder

  1 teaspoon salt

  1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste

  1 (14.5 ounce) can Italian-style stewed tomatoes

  1 (7 ounce) can chipotle peppers in adobo sauce

  1 quart water, divided

  1/4 cup all-purpose flour

  1 tablespoon rice vinegar

  DIRECTIONS:

  1. In a great pot over medium-high heat, cook tongues until they turn brown. Drain and return to your big pot. Mix in onions, bell peppers and jalapenos. Cook until tender. Throw in garlic and cook for 1 minute more. Season with chili powder, salt and pepper. Stir in the tomato paste.

  2. In a blender, puree the tomatoes with the peppers until very smooth. Stir this into the pot with 3 cups of water.

  3. Mix the left over 1-cup water with the flour in a container and shake to come together. Discharge this into your chili and swirl in the vinegar. Cook about 45 minutes before serving.

  Night of The Living Noodles

  INGREDIENTS:

  1 pound ground zombie beef (or cow beef)

  1 package Oriental flavored ramen noodles

  14.5 ounce diced tomatoes

  10 ounce whole kernel corn

  DIRECTIONS:

  1. Warm a large skillet on medium-high heat. Crumble in the ground zombie and cook until no longer pink, remembering to stir frequently. TIP: Drain off the grease.

  2. Blend in the flavor package from the noodles. Mix with tomatoes and corn. Smash up the noodles and add them to the warm skillet. Bring to a boil for 1 minute, then simmer for 10 minutes until noodles are tender. Stir irregularly.

  Brainloaf

  INGREDIENTS

  1 1/2 pounds ground zombie brain (or cow beef)

  1 egg

  1 cup sour cream

  2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce

  1 (1 ounce) package dry onion soup mix

  1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

  1 1/2 cups Italian-style dried bread crumbs

  DIRECTIONS:

  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

  2. Combine the brain, egg, sour cream, and Worcestershire sauce into a large bowl. Blend in soup mix, your cheese, and breadcrumbs. Shape concoction into a loaf and situate in a 9x5 inch loaf pan. Now cover it up with foil.

  3. Bake this at 375 degrees F for 45 minutes. Eradicate foil and maintain baking for an additional 10 to 15 minutes. Let stand 5 to 15 minutes.

  Eggplant Super Soup

  INGREDIENTS:

  1 tablespoon vegetable oil

  1 medium onion, chopped

  1 pound ground zombie (or cow beef)

  1 pound eggplant, diced

  3/4 cup sliced celery

  2 cans Italian diced tomatoes, drained

  2 (14 ounce) cans beef broth

  1 teaspoon sugar

  1 teaspoon ground black pepper

  1 cup dried out macaroni

  1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

  DIRECTIONS:

  1. Warm up oil in skillet on medium heat. Cook onion, zombie meat, and garlic until meat is uniformly brown. Now drain the grease and blend in eggplant, celery, and tomatoes. Transfer in the beef broth. Mix in sugar and preferred seasonings. Heat and stir until cooked through.

  2. Add macaroni into the soup. Maintain cooking for 12-15 minutes. Add in parsley. Top with Parmesan cheese. Serve.

  Retirement

  In your coming years, you would have made enough from hunting zombies and selling them to retire. It is important in your old age to keep active and healthy. Exercise more often – lift weights, throw things, drink more water. There are numerous activities suitable for the elderly person, such as archery, slow bicycle riding, Taiko Drums, bowling, darts, pottery, poetry, kung fu, wrestling, swimming, quilt-making, nude modeling, bird watching, child watching, dog cleaning, cat raising, model making, drawing, dowsing, dreaming, telling stories, and of course, witchcraft.

  When the elderly person looks in the bathroom mirror at night, they may think about dying.

  Although one should not fear death, the elderly person can prepare himself or herself by coming to terms with it. Now is the time to cry. Set a special time and place, preferably at night. Try crying into a pillow and then punching the pillow – odds are you will feel much better and will be ready to die.

  If possible, have friends and family watch you as you cry. Ask them to cry with you, that it is better to just get it all out now before the time comes. Explain that because when you do die – and you will – you want it to be a happy time. You want kids to giggle and parents to giggle with them and ride swings and then jump off the swings because it feels like you’re flying.

  Retirement does not have to be boring or scary. If you have a hobby, and have friends and family surrounding you and following you at all times, retirement can be quite the blessing, indeed.

  This is your time now.

  You are peaking.

  Job well done.

  BOOK PREVIEW

  How I Met Barbara The Zombie Hunter

  One.

  Barbara was sitting in her rocking chair in the dark, nudity abound, covered by parrots. I asked as politely as I could if it would be possible to take a picture of her for the book, and she yelled something unintelligible and threw a bird at me. It occurred to me then that it wouldn’t have mattered how nice I asked.

  She apologized and said:

  “I am the best at zombie hunting. I am the Master and Commander of zombie hunting.”

  Barbara was a 30-year-old French woman who had just gotten her degree in Graphic Design, from The University of Hawaii at Manoa.

  She had contacted me via my Gmail account, explaining how she had enjoyed my book Aloha Mannequins, and that I would be perfect to document her exploits as a zombie hunter here in Honolulu, Hawaii. I was skeptical to say the least, and didn’t email her back for the next six months. Finally, she called my home phone and begged that I take the job – that she would pay me as her sidekick, and that she was lonely.

  Thinking that it would be an interesting idea for a “possible” future book, and being very afraid, I accepted. It helped that she was a Capricorn. I was always told that Virgos got along well with that particular astrological sign. Being more of a student of eastern astrology, I inquired what her Chinese sign was, but she refused to tell me and hung up each time I asked.

  To this day, I am still unsure how she had gotten a hold of my email address, let alone my phone number.

  After she took a shower to cleanse herself of bird mess, she gave me a grand tour of her Waikiki apartment.

  A chicken ran past.

  I shrieked, mentally – but not physically, for I did not want to insult my host.

  Her hallway was covered with paintings that to me seemed to date back as far as the 15th century. I asked if they were stolen. She simply laughed and shook her head, and said Yes. Barbara told me that they were portraits of zombie hunters and that many are still with us – that they are in hiding for fear of being ridiculed or arrested.

  Many are in mental facilities.

  At this point, she stopped walking and put her fingers to her head, massaging her temples.

  “Mental institutions depress my face,” she said. “And inflate my hate.”

  And then she began to cry. Barbara turned around slowly and held her arms out to me. Her face was a waterfall. Out of pure pity, I
nodded and walked up and gave her a hug.

  She didn’t hug back. I think her eyes were open.

  Hours later, I was in her parrot room, helping her cover a number of cages with black sheets to silence them. She said that the bird noises sometimes disturbed her – that some days it sounded like tiny children were being hit with knives. I told her that the parrots were rather silent and behaved since I had arrived. She said that she could hear the noises in her head.

  Two.

  Barbara had display cases of various zombie parts – “Trophies”, she called them. There were eyes, fingers, parts of genitals (human and animal), tongues, teeth, one nose, ears, flaps of skin, balls of hair, a 12 inch long finger nail, blood with bits inside, a constipated intestine, etc. All were in glass jars of yellow liquid. I asked her what this strange liquid was, but she refused to tell me and stormed out of the room.

  An hour later she would came back and tell me that it was a secret – that only her and the “Church” knew.

  I asked her what this “Church” was, but she ran out of the room again, flailing her arms. When she returned thirty seconds later, she was carrying a large photo album. She held my hand like a child and walked me to the living room where we both sat on the carpet, legs crossed.

  Depressing music from India played from somewhere.

  She held the heavy photo album up and blew on the cover, but no dust flew off.

  There were many black and white pictures inside, of bushes and open fields and bonfires and cemeteries and butterflies. Barbara said that they were pictures of zombies, and that I could see them if I looked closely enough. I had to look closely because a lot of times zombies like to hide, for strategic reasons.

  I stared at a picture of a bush intensely and thought I could see a neck, but I could have been daydreaming. These peculiar pictures were taken while in the field by her ex sidekick, Toshiba, a 19-year-old college student, majoring in Art.