The Zombie Hunter's Bible Read online

  The two must stand in a lake (or field if lake is not available) with the hunter kneeling before the sidekick. Torches are to be put around them. The hunter can then confess all of her/his past wrongdoings and guilty pleasures or anything else that is bothering them. The sidekick must tilt their head back and stare into the sky with their arms held out and not express any emotion during the process, for fear of scaring the dying hunter.

  When done, the hunter will say ‘The end’. The sidekick can now begin reciting the Rainbow of Forgiveness.

  Oh yay oh yay oh yay, thou has now come to the rainbow room of mercy to find safe passage to Heaven with the angels who may or may not be aliens. Does not this dying soul deserve your love, O God? Your hugs? Your kisses? Yessm. Please, O God, forgive this soul you see kneeling before my belly. Damn the zombie that has bitten her and is now raping her insides! Damn the zombie that has taken this poor soul away from this world! May I spit? Thank you. Will you accept this child, O God, into your confusing embrace? Will you carry her on your back into the sunset? Yessm. Amen. And Awomen.

  Once these words of spiritual salvation have been spoken, the sidekick is to cut the hunter’s head in half, vertically. This must be done in one swell swoop or else the soul will be sent instantly to Hell.

  (A note from the author’s attorney: DO NOT murder people! DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS BOOK! Author is not responsible for the reader’s actions. Thank you. -Mr. Attorney)

  In such a case, the only way to save the hunter’s soul is with the eating of their brain, raw. An ex hunter from Minnesota, Asia O'Bannon, tells it well:

  “After I said the Rainbow of Forgiveness, I held the sword over my head. Oh no…I was so afraid…And then I sliced into Cleo’s skull, but my hands SLIPPED. I think it was because we were standing in a lake. The sword only went in halfway! Cleo shrieked out and ran around through the lake, slowly! I screamed and began pulling out my hair and then I ate my hair. Hours later, Cleo stopped screaming and fell. I dragged the body out from the water onto the beach and then I ate her brain while crying on the beach. I think I threw up twenty times. Jesus Christ, you made me re-eat my own spills. What have I become? What have I become? Bring in the elk.”

  To further prepare the dying soul for their death, it is important to remind them that death is merely a part of existence – that the After Life is another adventure for the hunter and sidekick – an adventure where many more vampires and ghosts and werewolves and Zombies await them.

  So enjoy, fellow Zombie Hunter.

  Goodnight, and Good luck.

  A Philosophical Theory

  When you are bitten, the world around you deteriorates at an amazing rate. Your heart slows, but you do not notice. You find yourself walking through a desert. You get into a boat. You sail into the horizon – which turns red, then white, then blue, and then white…You are in a giant white space and standing on an ocean that makes no noise. There are two clouds, and when each one speaks, they flare.

  One of them asks you to make a choice, “Die and take your chances of either entering Heaven or Hell, or eat forever and ever at The Zombie Banquet.”

  Say you choose The Zombie Banquet, for fear of going to Hell. You are then transported to a cloudy world high above the earth where there’s a long table of food that stretches out forever in both directions. You are instructed to eat – and to keep eating. This is not a problem, for you are suddenly very hungry.

  Cloud 1: They will eat and keep eating to fill their hunger.

  Cloud 2: Yes. But what happens when they become full?

  Cloud 1: (pause) …I don’t know.

  Going Home

  Transporting Your Zombie

  If you do not wish to chop your zombie into convenient pieces, feel free to fold them up and place them into a briefcase. If your zombie is rotund, seat them in the back of your vehicle and bind them to the walls – arms and legs outstretched. The mouth must be gagged.

  Remember to put a sheet of white plastic underneath the zombie to catch any mischievous liquids. When done, wrap the contents up. These can later be used in a variety of experiments.

  If desired, you may also put an adult diaper on the zombie. When driving, it is recommended you put cotton in your ears to keep out any torturous sounds emitting from the zombie. Even if gagged, the zombie will still make worrying throat-sounds. Sometimes they are barley audible. Hours and possibly days of exposure to repeated zombie moaning, even on a subconscious level, can result in permanent psychosis.

  Surprising Stops

  Next to police annoyance, an assortment of other incidents can trouble and delay your journey home. Be prepared for these situations:

  a) Your zombie may break free from its ropes and thrash about and put its mouth on the back of your sidekick’s head. b) You may get a flat tire, in which case you must command your sidekick to play mechanic. c) Your sidekick may suddenly lose her mind and scream. d) There may be a zombie clinging to the top or bottom or top and bottom of your vehicle and is/are now attacking your sidekick. e) You have accidentally been bitten, but told no one due to shame and now YOU are a zombie and are eating your sidekick and look! Now the car is in a ditch.

  These things happen everyday. Many hunters and sidekicks – so close to home and completing their mission – have died these many ways.

  When on the road, keep an open mind and pay attention to your senses. If possible, always drive at night to avoid suspicion. And above everything else, tell your sidekick if you have been bitten. Do not be ashamed.

  Shame equals blame.

  And blame equals BLAM! from a gun.

  Police Avoidance

  First, try not to get pulled over. Always drive under the speed limit. If you require glasses, wear them so you can identify the various road signs. If you are overwhelmed with Road Rage, pull over and order your sidekick to throw water on your face and then to punch you in the face. This will indubitably set you back into the right frame of mind.

  Shake hands and drive on.

  If you follow the above, but still find yourself being pulled over by a police officer, please read the below in full detail.

  1. Breathe naturally

  2. Put a rug over your zombie

  3. Dismantle the ceiling light

  4. Comfort the officer; do exactly what they order

  5. Try passing the zombie off as a drunken friend. Put glasses on it so it looks smart. Comb its hair and pour perfume on its head. Complete the makeover with a tiara. Before the office opens the back door, throw glitter around the zombie.

  6. Try the Pregnancy plan as discussed in the chapter On the road

  7. If that fails, have your sidekick scream and pull out a knife and then run out the car, screaming. The officer will scream as well and run after your sidekick. At this point, speed off, screaming. After you have driven around for an hour or so, drive back and pick up your sidekick. Be silent for at least two hours. (Plan the pick up prior to being pulled over.)

  Sometimes you will receive an inquisitive police officer. This type loves to abuse their power and searches through vehicles and takes things that do not belong to them, like alcohol and drugs and even clothing. If you indeed encounter said officer, un-gag your zombie. Allow the snooping officer to freely examine your vehicle. Your hope is that they will peek under the rug and be bitten by your zombie.

  At this point, you know what to do next.

  Properly Walking Your Zombie Toward Your Home

  It is recommended that you guide your zombie out from your vehicle at night. Secure your zombie with ropes. They will struggle. Do all you can with the aid of your sidekick to walk your zombie to the front door of your house as quietly as possible. If your neighbors look at you secretly from their windows, feel free to wave as if everything is normal.

  Laugh, as well.

  If your zombie somehow breaks free and speed walks down the street with the rug over its head, DO NOT RUN AFTER IT. Calmly walk back into your car, start it up, pull out of your driveway a
nd run the zombie over. It is important that you aim for the buttocks.

  The zombie will be stunned.

  When reversing, avoid running over the head. The zombie will at this point be passive enough to walk safely into your house. Once inside, push your zombie down the basement stairs, gently. And bolt the door.

  Handling the Neighbors with Love

  Neighbors can pose a serious problem. They must be dealt with quickly and wisely. When telling the neighbor a lie, one must be calm and collected. Do not touch the neighbor. Stand at least three feet away from them at all times. If possible, wear delightful perfume, like Secret Garden by Victoria’s Secret. This will soothe the neighbor on a subconscious level.

  Tell them that what they saw – the suspicious figure under a rug – was normal. Tell them with a bright, relaxing smile that it was your mother. She is sick and horribly scarred from a train wreck that happened recently and you were transporting her from the hospital. She is very insecure about her looks. And she cries a lot.

  At this point, the neighbor will gasp and touch you on the shoulder. Do not panic. This is good. They sympathize with you, and will most likely try to relate to your situation with a personal story written via the pen of depression. Listen and nod your head understandably. Cry, if desired. This will only make them care for you more. Hug them. Odds are they will hug back. Ask her/him for their telephone number, but do not call them until after three days. You don’t want to appear desperate. When you do call, sound sad. Sniff every 7 seconds.

  On the first date, pick a restaurant that’s not too expensive. You want to say Yes, I am willing to pay for our future love, but I’m not rich. Let us help each other, financially. If they want to pay for the check, let them, but be gracious. Tell them that they are very generous and that you will cover the next meal. They will smile and nod. Smile and nod back. On the second week, wait for them to call (if they have fallen in love with you, they will call at least every other day). Ask if they are okay, and that if anything is ever bothering them they can call you for support. Say this with a hint of depression. They will ask if everything is satisfactory and be truly concerned for your well-being.

  Say No, you are not feeling satisfactory – that you are so confused and everything is falling apart and you don’t now what to do. They will ask if you would like to come over for dinner and some company. Hesitate here…and then respond with, “Yes I would like that. Thank you.” Notice how polite you are?

  Before you go over, remember to shower and trim any rabid nose hairs. Studies have shown that nothing disturbs and confuses the date more than the wandering nose hair. Dress well for the dinner, but don’t wear a suit. Wear comfortable clothing in preparation for the obvious. Spray on perfume (cologne is far too stiff and heavy) whether you are female or male in strategic areas – like the neck and hands. Avoid spraying your genitals for risk of mad burning. While bathing, soap is adequate for these dainty areas. Finally, apply lip-gloss. Watermelon is wonderful. When they open the door for you, hug them – but not too tightly. You want your hug to say I’m happy to see you, but I am not at all desperate. You will notice that they, too, are well dressed.

  During dinner, DO NOT appear depressed. At this point, it will only begin to annoy your love interest and bore them. Instead, tell jokes. Laugh at their jokes. Always remember to chew and laugh with your mouth closed. If you forget and a piece of food shoots out, do not pick it up and eat it. Chances are she’ll be watching, even if it looks like she’s not.

  Only after dinner, when you are about to exit their dwelling, are you allowed to kiss her/him.

  Begin by hugging her and saying goodbye, but this time – unlike all the other times – hold her a few seconds longer. Sensually caress her cheek with your own. Now slowly bring your mouth across her cheek, toward her lips, but do not touch lip!

  Peek to see if her eyes are closed in a sexy way. If they are, this is good news. Close your eyes again.

  Wait for her mouth to touch yours.

  This will tell you that Yes, I am ready for us to be a couple, and Yes, I am ready for us to touch our life-inventing regions. The first time you have sex with a new partner, your heart will race. This is normal and understandable. Your skin may also sweat. This is an exciting time for you. Be sure to give her an orgasm before your own. Do not be greedy. If she is experiencing trouble having one, it is not your fault as a man or woman.

  The Female Orgasm

  There are many reasons why women sometimes find it difficult to achieve an orgasm. It could be because of stress, past sexual trauma, or even a lover that is not considering her needs. The woman must give herself an orgasm. She must to be in the right state of mind. She must be relaxed. She must be confident. She must let go. The male cannot force her to have an orgasm. It will only complicate the process further. His role in her sexual development is still an important one: That of Supporter.

  He is advised to tell her that everything is okay, and that she is very beautiful. The male should hold her and kiss her and say that watching her masturbate is arousing.

  Stimulation of the Clitoris is most helpful.

  Be gentle and an explorer. Ask her if she enjoys what you are doing with your mouth. If she says ‘No’, stop what you are doing straight away and ask what she would like. The important lesson here is to maintain a clear line of communication – to learn from each other rather than assuming. This is a sign of a healthy relationship – a sign of trust. Remember to stimulate the entire vagina. When she is ready – when the vaginal walls are moist enough or she simply tells you so – enter with your penis or fingers. When using the penis, concentrate on the first 2 inches of her vagina, where the nerve endings are located. Enter slowly and move like the ocean – or like a snake.

  Make love like a lesbian.

  Notify that it feels good being inside of her. If using your hand use the first two fingers, palm-up. Massage her G-Spot, her Good Spot, located on top of the vaginal wall 1-3 inches in. You should feel a raised lump of skin. Massage this bump in tiny, circular motions. Check her face every now and then to see if it is working. If she is asleep or mad, stop immediately and ask what you can do to sexually stimulate her. If she is relaxed enough and the male or female companion has done their part, she will be ready to have an orgasm. If this is her first experience, she may feel pressure in her stomach and ask to use the restroom to urinate. This is quite healthy and sane. What she is feeling is the growing orgasm, ready to be freed.

  Hold her and comfort her. Inform her that she must push out her orgasm. When the orgasm is unleashed, it will sometimes come out in a thrilling gush and run a riot, lasting anywhere from 1 to 10 seconds. She might start convulsing and clawing at the air. As her Supporter, you are to embrace her and kiss her even if she doesn’t notice you.

  For many women, there will be no liquid of any kind. This is normal and no reason to worry. The intense feeling of sexual pleasure will accompany any orgasm. Continue to make love to her and stimulate her clitoris. Multiple orgasms are possible and recommended.

  Creating your very own Zombie Storage Facility

  Tools & Necessities

  In making your Zombie Storage Facility (ZSF), ask yourself this important question: Do I have a basement or an attic? (If not, a closet will suffice.)

  First, tie down your zombie so you can begin building your ZSF. You will need these tools and supplies:

  1. Hammer

  2. Nails

  3. Gloves

  4. Hardhat

  5. Mouthpiece

  6. Work shoes (steel-toe)

  7. Hose

  8. Metal sheet

  9. Lumber

  10. Large bucket

  11. Rocking chair

  12. Pump (manually operated)

  Begin by creating the walls of your ZSF with the sheets of metal, supported by lumber. Create a door for easy access. Roof is not necessary. Make a small window. Cut a hole in the bottom of the rocking chair and place it in the center of the ZSF. Lay th
e bucket underneath the rocking chair. Put the hose into the bucket. Attach end of hose to pump, which is connected to another hose going out the attic/basement/closet window onto the backyard.

  This will be your zombie toilet. If the backyard neighbors complain about the heartbreaking smell, explain that your mum is sick. With your creature still bound, attach it to the rocking chair by nailing its legs down. Exit ZSF and bolt the door shut. It is now safe to begin whatever tests you have planned.

  Record zombie’s habits hourly into a log. Also remember to feed your zombie and to bathe it with lukewarm water.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Benefits

  The Zombie Employee

  The zombie can be utilized in a variety of ways, from house cleaning to security. You will find that they are most efficient and inexpensive in today’s overcrowded workforce.

  Maids

  With slight modifications, you can turn your zombie into a vehicle capable of performing an array of cleaning chores. To clean floors, tie the zombie’s arms and legs together, and wrap it in inside-out tape. Lay zombie on the floor. They will roll instantly, trying to break free, and clean your carpet of dirt, lint, various animal droppings, hairs, ticks, and particles of dead skin – which make up the volume of dust found throughout all homes.

  When done, the unwanted mess will be stuck to the tape encasing your zombie. To temporarily stun the zombie, hit it over the head with a shovel. Untie the zombie. Throw the used tape away. To clean windows, bind the zombie with ropes from neck to toe so they find complexity in moving. Leave the head free. Create a window-cleaning helmet by attaching rags and toothbrushes to a football helmet. Situate the device over the zombie’s head and stand it next to the desired window to be cleaned.

  The zombie will struggle to be free and move its head (cleaning helmet) about wildly; therefore, also cleaning the window. To reach those hard-to-get-to places, pick your zombie up by the feet – an excellent way of also working your obliques and getting rid of those pesky ceiling spiders!

  Personal Bather

  To create a personal bather, attach a chain from your zombie’s neck to the bathroom wall or doorknob. Put large sponges in its hands (it will grip them immediately and not let go). Take off your clothing and bathe naturally. Lather your entire body with your favorite cleansing product. When you are ready to be scrubbed, stand close enough to the zombie so it reaches out to you, eager to grab and eat you.